Radiation Graduation

Radiation complete. Mixed emotions. Another safety blanket taken away. Don't feel like celebrating. Just feel an empty calm. It's hard to explain. Not re-assured but not afraid either. Not happy and not sad. Just somewhere in the middle.

I want to acknowledge the staff at St. Mary's Cancer Center. What an awesome group! Christy the nurse, the ladies at the reception desk Kathy and Ramona, Dr. Bopanna and my therapists Clint, Jennifer and Crystal. Thank you all for making this experience a positive one. For your friendship and comforting caring ways. You're the best! See you on Feb 18th for my follow up...

Surgery Scheduled

Dr. Maggart who is a cardiovascular surgeon, comes highly recommended. A tall, strong, kind, gesturing physician who speaks slow, methodically, easy to understand and looks you in the eye. I realize that he has had this conversation thousands of times, but I feel uniquely as if I am the first. He explains that having surgery is a no brainer. "Go in, get it out and be done" He plans to do VATS (Video assisted thoracic surgery)which is much like laproscopic surgery. Rather non invasive but major just the same. He tells me that if he is unable to get to the tumor (as it is in a precarious position) he will then be prepared to do a thorocotomy. This would involve an incision in the back, exposing and separating the ribs to get to the tumor. He plans to excise with clear margins and in the process will sacrifice a portion of my lung. He said I should expect to be short of breath but should do ok. He also said that since I didn't have any co-morbidity's before cancer that it in itself would be in my favor. Yeah, a plus...what a ya think about that?

Surgery is scheduled for Thursday August 20th at 7:30 at Baptist Hospital West. I will arrive at 5:30 AM and be in the hospital for at least a week. I was told by Dr. Maggart's nurse that I should expect at least a month for recovery. I haven't been at my present job for a year yet but my employer has been so gracious to let me pull from my vacation time to help cover my absence.

Ok, this all sucks, but it is what it is and I will go through the experience and hopefully come out on the other end stronger and more wise. Another lesson...

(The pic is of me and my Aunt Becky in the fall of 2007 after first being diagnosed with LMS)

Scanxiety

2/20/09 I have to say that today has been an emotional day. Mixed emotions, entering the world of the unknown. Questioning myself and the purpose of my existence. Moving through the PET scan, eyes close, tears wet upon my face, re-living the whole experience. Would I be feeling this if Cancer wasn't in the equation? Probably, knowing me. Rand and I had a talk tonight, about my insecurities, feeling that I don't match up so to speak. I'm not the person he fell in love with. Forever changed by my travels. Cancer changes you but it doesn't change the core. I see things differently but in the same respect, the same Cathie, insecure, bewildered, searching, needing to make a difference in this world in some small way still exists. Rand has a way of jumping in 100% when he feels passionate about something . He reaches out and grabs it. Me, I reach out, dream...but never take hold. What is it? Do any of you feel the same? I look at my aunt Becky, she is one who is much like Rand. She finds a purpose, takes hold and goes for it. Like volunteering for "look good feel good", making a difference to nurture the world in her unique way. I even thought about googling "what to do to make a difference in this world" or "how to leave your mark" Rand laughed. I want to be an motivational speaker....what would I say? I want to leave my handprint in this world. Know what I mean? A mother, a wife, daughter, niece, friend, cousin...although thankful and appreciative,feeling blessed at the opportunities, there has to be more....I'm rambling I know... please share your thoughts. I would love to know the heart of all of you.

Waiting for the results...painful, unknowing, anticipating a possible extension of life. Who knows?

Blanket of love

We just spent a wonderful weekend at our family reunion at Barkley Lake at Land Between the Lakes in Western Kentucky. What a wonderful renewal of spirit. Family, a strong and comforting word in every sense. To embrace, pray, cry, sing, laugh, share. To watch our children and grandchildren interact and make memories. To embrace and spend time with my loving Father and Mother, to have the opportunity to tell my uncle Jim and aunt Becky how much I appreciated the memories they created for us as children. To embrace my sisters and tell them how much I love them. To spend time with my grandchildren and daughters and son in law. Cousins, nieces, nephews and friends. Irreplaceable moments in our lives. I was gratefully presented with a blanket that my mother and sisters crochet'd for me. The color of my birthstone, Ruby. I was placed in a chair in the middle of the room and presented with my beautiful blanket of love. The blanket was then passed to each person in the room with words from the heart expressed at each passing. A moment I will never forget and a blanket I will cherish forever. I hold it in my lap at this moment. I am immersed in the love that embraces me through this gesture of love. My youngest sister also presented all of the women in the family with a hand made charm with my name engraved in it representing uterine cancer. I know without a doubt that the love of my husband and family carried me through the darkness of my struggle with cancer and gently set me down on the horizon of my new life. In unending love and appreciation, I thank you!

Another Day Granted

I had another CT scan in mid October. NED (No evidence of disease) again! It actually showed improvement in my lungs. I had area's that were thought to be histoplasmosis as the biopsy done last September didn't indicate cancer. There was also an area in my right lower abdomen which was thought to be scar tissue from my surgery that also showed improvement. My feelings after a good CT result is relief and gratitude. A little more time has been bought. I don't ever feel celebration. I wish I could feel that elation. Maybe after 5 years of NED I'll feel like I have slain the dragon. Right now its a day by day survival. I'm still afraid, I still think about cancer every minute of every day. I still live with the fear of recurrence. I still feel the effects of my chemo. I still look at myself in the mirror and the old me is nowhere to be found. It's a daily struggle to stay positive. To remind myself that for everything lost, I have gained. But, in my own private moments, when it's me and my thoughts, I still cry, I still wonder where I will be next year at this time, I still hope for a long life...It's been a year and 2months since my diagnosis. I was told on September 8, 2007 that I had a 30 percent chance of living a year. And now, a year later I remain NED! I should be celebrating...instead I sit here in silent gratitude for another day granted.

Who Cares?

I am a member of the LMS forum and read a heartfelt entry from a lady entitled "Who Cares?" It touched me in such a way that I felt compelled to respond. I also wanted to share these thoughts with my bloggers so, with that said...I share.

I am a LMS survivor. My last chemo was in April of 08 and so far am NED. However, once diagnosed, you never feel clean. At least I don't at this point. There is always that fear. As far as your question concerning "who cares" you're right, it's mostly us and our family and friends. But, lets look beyond that for a moment. Yes, we deal with the why me, anger, despair etc. that is part of this whole crappy disease. When I was diagnosed and got through my post op recovery and initial shock of my diagnosis, I decided that I wanted to reach out in some way to help others with cancer deal with what I was going through myself. I didn't have a network and felt isolated. Sure, you have the American Cancer Society but finding someone with the same diagnosis is difficult and sometimes impossible in your own community. So, with the help of my husband, I created a website so I could share my experience and hopefully help someone along the way. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...as difficult as it is sometimes, look beyond yourself and instead of asking who cares, ask how can I show that I care. I care that this is happening to me, I care that this affects my family and places hardship on the ones I care about, I care that my hair is falling out and I look like a mangy dog, I care that my beauty and vigor is being stolen from me, I care that there are others in this world who are feeling exactly what I am feeling, I care that people have lost their battle with this dragon, I care that the sun rises every morning to greet me,I care that my dogs follow where-ever I go and lay at my feet, I care that my children have to suffer heartache and set backs, I care that they then find a way to transcend, I care that my daughter calls me everyday just to say hello and I email or call my other children regularly, I care that my stepson is entering the marines in defense of our country, I care that my husband still calls me his cute little wife and loves me without waiver, I care that I feel the love of my family deeply and daily, I care. And, does it change anything? Not as far as our diagnosis but, it does change our heart and that's what matters.

Please visit my website with my hope that it may help you in some way. enlightened-by-cancer.net

Blessings~ wishing for you my LMS friends,
cure, health, hope and happiness but most of all...to be enlightened~

Cathie

DX: ULMS 9/7/07, TAHBSO
9x8x7.5 cm, ill defined, had burst through uterus and partially resting at left
ovary
vascular/lymph invasion detected
Positive estrogen/progesterone receptor reaction
Begin Gem/Tax 10/07 (6 cycles) (Rough 7 months, profound weakness among many
other side effects)
Last dose 4/3/08
PET/CT (4/9/08 and 7/08) both negative for cancer!
Started on Arimidex 4/11/08
Plan next CT in October '08


These were the entries to the LMS forum. I have removed their names for privacy.


Apathy is a bigger cancer than all cancers rolled together; even here, on this board.
I still don't know much about the disease i have, so i can't roll statistics out like i've been at
this for years. Some haven't been at it for years but roll stats out anyway. I start chemo next
week and i'm scared, but all in all, i'll give a listen to anybody.
I hate this disease.


hi ...........no one likes where we r at or how we got we got here, bottom line is .....who cares (besides us and family/friends, etc.) and does it really change things ............ lets talk........ ...... and how do we deal w/this