Radiation Graduation

Radiation complete. Mixed emotions. Another safety blanket taken away. Don't feel like celebrating. Just feel an empty calm. It's hard to explain. Not re-assured but not afraid either. Not happy and not sad. Just somewhere in the middle.

I want to acknowledge the staff at St. Mary's Cancer Center. What an awesome group! Christy the nurse, the ladies at the reception desk Kathy and Ramona, Dr. Bopanna and my therapists Clint, Jennifer and Crystal. Thank you all for making this experience a positive one. For your friendship and comforting caring ways. You're the best! See you on Feb 18th for my follow up...

Another Day Granted

I had another CT scan in mid October. NED (No evidence of disease) again! It actually showed improvement in my lungs. I had area's that were thought to be histoplasmosis as the biopsy done last September didn't indicate cancer. There was also an area in my right lower abdomen which was thought to be scar tissue from my surgery that also showed improvement. My feelings after a good CT result is relief and gratitude. A little more time has been bought. I don't ever feel celebration. I wish I could feel that elation. Maybe after 5 years of NED I'll feel like I have slain the dragon. Right now its a day by day survival. I'm still afraid, I still think about cancer every minute of every day. I still live with the fear of recurrence. I still feel the effects of my chemo. I still look at myself in the mirror and the old me is nowhere to be found. It's a daily struggle to stay positive. To remind myself that for everything lost, I have gained. But, in my own private moments, when it's me and my thoughts, I still cry, I still wonder where I will be next year at this time, I still hope for a long life...It's been a year and 2months since my diagnosis. I was told on September 8, 2007 that I had a 30 percent chance of living a year. And now, a year later I remain NED! I should be celebrating...instead I sit here in silent gratitude for another day granted.

Who Cares?

I am a member of the LMS forum and read a heartfelt entry from a lady entitled "Who Cares?" It touched me in such a way that I felt compelled to respond. I also wanted to share these thoughts with my bloggers so, with that said...I share.

I am a LMS survivor. My last chemo was in April of 08 and so far am NED. However, once diagnosed, you never feel clean. At least I don't at this point. There is always that fear. As far as your question concerning "who cares" you're right, it's mostly us and our family and friends. But, lets look beyond that for a moment. Yes, we deal with the why me, anger, despair etc. that is part of this whole crappy disease. When I was diagnosed and got through my post op recovery and initial shock of my diagnosis, I decided that I wanted to reach out in some way to help others with cancer deal with what I was going through myself. I didn't have a network and felt isolated. Sure, you have the American Cancer Society but finding someone with the same diagnosis is difficult and sometimes impossible in your own community. So, with the help of my husband, I created a website so I could share my experience and hopefully help someone along the way. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...as difficult as it is sometimes, look beyond yourself and instead of asking who cares, ask how can I show that I care. I care that this is happening to me, I care that this affects my family and places hardship on the ones I care about, I care that my hair is falling out and I look like a mangy dog, I care that my beauty and vigor is being stolen from me, I care that there are others in this world who are feeling exactly what I am feeling, I care that people have lost their battle with this dragon, I care that the sun rises every morning to greet me,I care that my dogs follow where-ever I go and lay at my feet, I care that my children have to suffer heartache and set backs, I care that they then find a way to transcend, I care that my daughter calls me everyday just to say hello and I email or call my other children regularly, I care that my stepson is entering the marines in defense of our country, I care that my husband still calls me his cute little wife and loves me without waiver, I care that I feel the love of my family deeply and daily, I care. And, does it change anything? Not as far as our diagnosis but, it does change our heart and that's what matters.

Please visit my website with my hope that it may help you in some way. enlightened-by-cancer.net

Blessings~ wishing for you my LMS friends,
cure, health, hope and happiness but most of all...to be enlightened~

Cathie

DX: ULMS 9/7/07, TAHBSO
9x8x7.5 cm, ill defined, had burst through uterus and partially resting at left
ovary
vascular/lymph invasion detected
Positive estrogen/progesterone receptor reaction
Begin Gem/Tax 10/07 (6 cycles) (Rough 7 months, profound weakness among many
other side effects)
Last dose 4/3/08
PET/CT (4/9/08 and 7/08) both negative for cancer!
Started on Arimidex 4/11/08
Plan next CT in October '08


These were the entries to the LMS forum. I have removed their names for privacy.


Apathy is a bigger cancer than all cancers rolled together; even here, on this board.
I still don't know much about the disease i have, so i can't roll statistics out like i've been at
this for years. Some haven't been at it for years but roll stats out anyway. I start chemo next
week and i'm scared, but all in all, i'll give a listen to anybody.
I hate this disease.


hi ...........no one likes where we r at or how we got we got here, bottom line is .....who cares (besides us and family/friends, etc.) and does it really change things ............ lets talk........ ...... and how do we deal w/this