Scanxiety

2/20/09 I have to say that today has been an emotional day. Mixed emotions, entering the world of the unknown. Questioning myself and the purpose of my existence. Moving through the PET scan, eyes close, tears wet upon my face, re-living the whole experience. Would I be feeling this if Cancer wasn't in the equation? Probably, knowing me. Rand and I had a talk tonight, about my insecurities, feeling that I don't match up so to speak. I'm not the person he fell in love with. Forever changed by my travels. Cancer changes you but it doesn't change the core. I see things differently but in the same respect, the same Cathie, insecure, bewildered, searching, needing to make a difference in this world in some small way still exists. Rand has a way of jumping in 100% when he feels passionate about something . He reaches out and grabs it. Me, I reach out, dream...but never take hold. What is it? Do any of you feel the same? I look at my aunt Becky, she is one who is much like Rand. She finds a purpose, takes hold and goes for it. Like volunteering for "look good feel good", making a difference to nurture the world in her unique way. I even thought about googling "what to do to make a difference in this world" or "how to leave your mark" Rand laughed. I want to be an motivational speaker....what would I say? I want to leave my handprint in this world. Know what I mean? A mother, a wife, daughter, niece, friend, cousin...although thankful and appreciative,feeling blessed at the opportunities, there has to be more....I'm rambling I know... please share your thoughts. I would love to know the heart of all of you.

Waiting for the results...painful, unknowing, anticipating a possible extension of life. Who knows?