Another Day Granted

I had another CT scan in mid October. NED (No evidence of disease) again! It actually showed improvement in my lungs. I had area's that were thought to be histoplasmosis as the biopsy done last September didn't indicate cancer. There was also an area in my right lower abdomen which was thought to be scar tissue from my surgery that also showed improvement. My feelings after a good CT result is relief and gratitude. A little more time has been bought. I don't ever feel celebration. I wish I could feel that elation. Maybe after 5 years of NED I'll feel like I have slain the dragon. Right now its a day by day survival. I'm still afraid, I still think about cancer every minute of every day. I still live with the fear of recurrence. I still feel the effects of my chemo. I still look at myself in the mirror and the old me is nowhere to be found. It's a daily struggle to stay positive. To remind myself that for everything lost, I have gained. But, in my own private moments, when it's me and my thoughts, I still cry, I still wonder where I will be next year at this time, I still hope for a long life...It's been a year and 2months since my diagnosis. I was told on September 8, 2007 that I had a 30 percent chance of living a year. And now, a year later I remain NED! I should be celebrating...instead I sit here in silent gratitude for another day granted.