PET/CT Pending....My life hanging in my hope...A Birthday wish

I haven't posted in a while. Life going on, work, love, family, laughter, fear, hope...a moment in time that I am savoring...each morsel at a time. Holding in my hand the sweetness of each new day. Time with my husband, my daughters, my sons...my grandchildren, yearning to make a memory that they will hold of their wife, mother and grandmommie. I went to my oncologist a few weeks ago. Everything was good with the physical exam...a routine chest x ray was ordered. I chatted with the staff, laughed and shared life. I told Dr. Martin that I wanted to get the chest x ray that day. No reason to delay. Just another routine of post chemo...I have been clean thus far, no reason to worry.

I happily went to the x ray lab, I have it down pat. When they ask me to remove my necklace that my husband gave me for my 50th birthday, I just chant back, "I'll just hold it out of the way in my mouth for the x ray..." I don't want to remove it...It gives me strength. The tech complies. She then say's to remove my bra...that too I have mastered. Just pull it down around my waist. She again confirms that it is ok and I say "Thank you"...In confidence. 1-2-3 hold your breath, the machine makes that oh so familiar noise. Ok, turn to the left and lift your hands over your head, hold your breath, again the clicking of the machine. I think...take a good picture now. I then am escorted out and to the car I go, feeling fearly confident...does that make sense? The fear never leaves, the confidence always urging me on.

I get a call from Dr. Martins office a few days later...something on the x ray has raised suspicion of possible mets. An area in my right upper lobe that was 7mm in February is now 18mm. We need to get a PET/CT.

A couple of days later I go for my test. I am nervous. Afraid. Alone in my whirlwind. I lay on the examination table. I re-live the past...tears flowing, fear, anxiety, dread...overwhelming. I try not to sob...I need to lay still...God help me. I can't go through this again. I want to live. I need to live.

The 4th of July weekend is approaching, my birthday on the 3rd. Another year to look forward to. This birthday I have not dreaded as those in the past couple years. the thought of getting "old". I am thankful to celebrate my 52nd birthday. Another year of life. I have been blessed.

My birthday was so special. My daughter Tiffany sent me a beautiful and thought filled "smile box" greeting. I wept when looking at the pictures and reading the thoughts of her heart. My daughter Lyndsay gave me a special card, bra's that fit and a pedicure coupon. The words she spoke in her writings in the card were forever ingrained in my soul. My husband with the presentation of his gifts to me at a few minutes into my birthday, 12:07 I believe. Weeping over the love in my life and how blessed I am to be embraced by my family. We cried and embraced...a moment forever within me. Birthday morning came, Rand told me to be ready at 10:30. My in-laws arrived and we traveled to downtown Knoxville. I tried to guess the destination...Calhouns on the river...how lovely...no, I was mistaken. A lunch cruise was awaiting me...my special day with love surrounding. Thank you! I received a card from my father with $5 as my grandmother used to send all of her grandchildren. I can't help but laugh and savor the love of my father and memories of my grandmother. A perfect birthday. I am alive, I am loved.

Come Monday, I continue to think about the chest x ray and the PET/CT. I called Dr. Martin, inquiring of the results. I was told that he would not give results over the phone and an appointment was made for Wednesday. That's tomorrow. I am feeling a sense of dread, sadness, despair. I try to dig deep and find hope. I take many a deep breath and feel the effects. Is that a tinge of pain I feel? Is it my imagination? I shared with my supervisor at work today. I had to shut the door to her office, she handed me a box of kleenex. She was so understanding, she told me to not jump to conclusions, to not worry about the management meeting in the morning that I would miss. To remain hopeful and that her heart and thoughts were with me. Thank you Ann.

So, here I am. In my bed, typing, anticipating. I hope that the next entry is good news. But, I told Rand, my children, my co-workers...it is what it is and I will deal with whatever the results are. I have to admit however that I will be angry, hurt and saddened if I am again faced with the Dragon. I have decided that if I am again faced with Cancer that I will fight to the end. I will NOT give up or surrender. I will live until the last breath that I am gifted to breathe.

March 18th 2009...The day I have anticipated. Results day. I go to work as usual. Still with every thought consumed by the results of my PET/CT. It's been nearly a year since my last chemo treatment. I'm still feeling the effects of chemo and side effects of my medications. One medication in particular, Arimidex. This is a hormone blocker. Since my tumor was hormone receptive for progesterone and estrogen, I was prescribed this medication to help protect me from recurrance. I have a lot of faith in that tiny white pill....

Rand goes with me to my appointment. I go back first to get my exam and then Rand meets me for the "reading of the results". Nervous, anticipating, trembling, but also with a strange sense of confidence.

Dr. Martin comes in...he scans through the report...and then the words...No evidence of active disease. I remain NED!
Dr. Martin told Rand and I that the first 6 months after treatment is the most crucial. Usually recurrence occurs during that time. When you get to a year the chance of recurrence lessons and continues to lesson each year thereafter. Everything on the scan he said had either decreased or no change was noted, therefore has remained stable. I have some nodules in the lungs which the radiologist suggested following but no evidence of being hypermetabolic which would indicate cancer. Scar tissue in the right lower abdomen has decreased in size. I do have chronic L5 spondylolysis (forward subluxation of the lower lumbar vertebrae) with grade I anterolisthesis of the L5 and S1.
In anterolisthesis, the upper vertebral body is positioned abnormally compared to the vertebral body below it. More specifically, the upper vertebral body slips forward on the one below.

The amount of slippage is graded on a scale from 1 to 4. Grade 1 is mild (20% slippage), while grade 4 is severe (100% slippage).

This would explain the back pain I have been experiencing. Not major though. Hey, I can live with that!

We kept the baby's last Friday night. Skeeter Bob (AKA Landan) is a hold me baby. So sweet and such beautiful little fellow. Kylee is 100 miles an hour down a dead end road. I just want to squeeze her and then eat her. She's an independent little poop. Such a joy! Next time we're gonna have all the grandkids spend the night....am I crazy or what?

Rand will officially be laid off from his job at the end of the month. Don't know how things will work out but we're not worrying. Things always come together. We are still trying to sell our house. If we do, we are probably headed for the country. We want to try to find a little farm house with some land and live simply. Get back to the basics. Know what I mean? Through our experiences last year we learned so much. One major thing is that it doesn't matter what car you drive, or house you live in as long as you are surrounded by the people you love. Being together is what sustains us...not our stuff. Actually, we can't wait to slow down and live the simple life.

So, we are in celebration and able to take another deep breath, continue to live in love and thankfulness for our lives and our family and friends.