The call

The phone rings and I rush to see if I recognize the number. It's a very familiar number that I see...Dr. Kilgore's office. I take a deep breath and in an up beat voice say "hello." Sweet Amanda, Dr. Kilgore's Nurse Practioner is on the other end. We share pleasantries, chat about our holiday and how we're ready to welcome spring now that the holiday's are behind us. Both of us agree that cold weather is not our favorite and how we're ready for the sun, green, the color palate of Gods new life of Spring and being outside. I want this conversation to last but am anxious to hear what she has to say about the results of my scan. Her voice drops slightly. I know what that means. "Well Cathie, we recieved the results of your scan. It shows an increase in size of the lesion at your Aortic Biforcation. On the last scan it measured 5 point (something) and now is measuring 7 point (something)." To be honest, I didn't pay attention to the numbers after the points. The 5 to 7 was all I heard. My heart sank and in her comforting way, she continued..."Dr. Kilgore wants to get a PET scan done so we can look at it closer and determine if it's the cancer or something else such as scar tissue." Then we'll know how to proceed. We both expressed that we were surprised at the results. I told her that I was anticipating that it was still there because of my pain but didn't anticipate that it had grown. We discussed how that if it's the cancer, Chemo may not be an option. Radiation wouldn't either as Dr. Kilgore discussed with me several months ago. This is because I had already recieved radiation to the area. I heard the dissapointment in Amanda's voice. I was thankful for such a tender heart on the other end of the line. I thanked her for her call and told her that no matter what, I refused to give up. I would continue to fight. We said goodbye and I cried in remorse, in anger, in hopelessness.

Fighting the tears, I sent a text to Rand who was at work, my children, sisters and dear friend Robin. Informing them of the news was difficult. I ended my text with "Do you think I'll make it to my 5 year anniversary?" (This will be in September.)  But, with a second consideration, I erased it. I need to stay positive for my family. If I fall apart, they will too. I need to be their strength.

I recieve responses from several of my family with encouraging words of love. I also get a call from my mother in law who tells me that Rand had called her. She said she would have called sooner but she couldn't stop crying. I repeat what Amanda told me. I told her I wasn't giving up. We both express our discust with the news. As I stand in the bathroom crying...Rand walks through the door and I melt in his embrace.

 

Come Spring, with your green, and purple and warmth. Come Spring, with your promise for a new tomorrow and put to rest this cold and dreary heart. Come Spring, and let me point my face to your sun. With my eyes closed, I can see the light filter, I see the beauty of the water as it ripples towards me and in its reflection, the delicate portrait of life anew.