News not good

I went for another Pet/CT last Tuesday 9/7/10...I removed my necklace and earings and the tech asked me if I had an underwire bra on...so off it came too. She then asked if my dress had any zippers or clasps and I told her "no, I pull it over my head." I was then given permission to leave my dress on. Slipping through the scan, feeling the warmth of the contrast engulf me from head to tippie toe I whispered..."please come back clear." I left the diagnostic center smiling and confident.

Thursday 9/9/10 I had my appointment with Dr. Kilgore. Rand was at my side and I appreciated his presence. He had been sick with a flu bug for the past few days and was still feeling weak. Dr. Kilgore pulled out the scan results from my chart and began to review them with us. Abdomen is stable and remains necrotic, right lung lesions show little change but the upper left lung lesion has grown from 6 x 8cm to an "intensly hypermetobolic" 11 x 14cm! He then told us that we were looking at systemic treatment or biological agent that we have not tried yet. One drug stops the formation of blood vessels which are what feed the cancer or maybe Chemo again. Sadness and shock hit me like a brick wall. My mind raced back to what I had told Rand when my chemo was prolonged 2 years ago. "If I am ever faced with this again, I don't think I'll choose to do chemo again." Chemo feels as I would imagine dying must feel. It sucks the life out of you, creates an unfamiliar reflection of who you think you are. I didn't feel much like talking after my appointment. Too much in my head and heart to grasp. I thought about the house we're building, how I won't be able to help like I want to and need to and possibly not even experience living in it or planting our garden or watching it all come together as we have dreamed. I thought of our working weekends at the farm and how I make sure that we have everything we need to survive our stay. Making sure we have plenty of drinks, ice, food, batteries, blankets, clean clothes etc. Or tending to the chickens and the chores of building. I think of how we stand on our site under the stars and embrace the universe or work to total exhaustion in the summer heat. I remember how chemo doesn't allow such pleasures as these. I think about how my purpose will be diminished to a mere foreign object that's of no use.

After my scan I discovered that my dress had a hidden zipper. I was excited that possibly it caused a false positive on the scan. Rand and I measured the zipper pull and it measured about 11 x 8 cm. Could there have been a miss reading? I called Dr. Kilgore today and spoke with his nurse practioner. I reported my findings and waited for her positive reply...she stated that it wasn't likely that the zipper would have caused a false positive because it wouldn't have shown any "uptake". Of course that makes sense. Guess I was just grasping at any possibility of hope.

So, at this point, my case will be presented to the "tumor board" where a group of Oncology specialists will review my results and history and formulate a recommended plan of care. This will take place on 9/22/10.

I'm still in shock and carry a sadness and despair that sits in the gut like a big black hole. I will continue to work my 9 to 5, will help my husband as much as I can and take each day as it comes. I will continue my laser light, homeopathics and magnetic therapy and try to hook up with an herbalist.

My journey continues...not in the way I had hoped but I will continue "with" hope. Possibly I failed to learn a lesson and must re-live the experience.

Never the less...I am at this place and once again humbled.