Another step in my journey

 

The Tumor Board met last Wednesday. Rand and I met with my oncologist Dr. Kilgore yesterday...his words melted my soul. "You will need to have chemo, Ifosamide, it's a very strong chemo, you'll be hospitalized for 5 days every three to four weeks for the infusion. It will make you weak and unsteady, you won't be able to walk without assistance. You'll lose your hair, you'll be in neutropenic precautions because your WBC's will be suppressed. You may have nausea and vomiting, the major complaint from patients who have had this type of chemo is weakness. I thought, "good, I can sit at my desk and continue to work if I'm weak, but if I have nausea and vomiting, well that just wouldn't work" ...before we even think about the chemo however, you need to see a Urologist for a stent to be placed because your right ureter is being compressed by your abdominal lesion and we don't want to risk losing kidney function. After you recover from that we can start the chemo. If you want, we can hold off and scan again in 2 months to check the progression of your pulmonary lesion, if it's stable you can wait a little longer, if not, I suggest we proceed with chemo at that point. I'm going to be frank with you Cathie, Chemo is given for 3 reasons, 1) to control pain 2) to prolong life and provide quality of life and 3) to cure. You are not #3, don't expect a cure. Our hope is that chemo will prolong your life and give you quality of life"

My tears ran down my cheeks uncontrolled. My heart sank into the deep black hole of despair. I searched for the silver lining...and found it, I could have been #1. There is still a glimmer of hope to embrace. I told Dr. Kilgore that I had to be strong as long as I could. We're building our house and Rand needs my help. It's just the two of us building it with intermittant help from Rands Dad and our son Corey. Long, exhausting, hot hours. It seems that trouble has been following us lately. First we had a water leak at our home to the tune of $460. Then our heat pump/AC went out to the tune of $4300.00. (We're roughing it for now) And then our vehicle bit the dust. We have to get it repaired for our trip to NC next week to welcome our two Marines home from Afghanistan. They say bad things come in 3's...well I'm on #4 now...

I'm working on staying positive...some days I just want to pack my suitcase and run away...