The Dragon Returns

THE INTERLOCKED HANDS OF MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTERS

11/18/09 My appointment with Dr. Martin. Rand picks me up from work and I am surprised to be greeted by my Father and Mother in law as we enter the hospital. I ask them jokingly...are you here for the reading of the will? Deep inside I know it will be reality one day. Hopefully long after I expect it though. I'm anxious, knowing the news about to be spoken but dreading the words I must hear. Again, my mother and law and I make light, act silly, giggle and hug. Our way of dealing with the flood of emotion. I initiate conversation with anyone within hearing distance. Hyper verbal and trying to focus on someone else and their story.

We are escorted back to the conference room. Wait...wait...wait...clock ticking toward the inevitable. Let's get this over with. Flipping through magazines, joking with each other, telling jokes and stories. My father in law states that his lips are getting numb. Being a diabetic it is his cardinal sign that his sugar is low. I hop up and summons the nurse for a couple pieces of hard candy and jokingly feel his lips to check if they are still numb. I then administer the piece of candy as if it were medication. I love to aggravate my father in law. He acts like I annoy him but mom says he loves it. I enjoy taking my mind off of myself.

Dr. Martin enters the room in his starched white. Greetings and handshakes are exchanged. He sits, opens my chart and begins to speak. I want to cover my ears. I have already played the words in my mind a hundred times. "The lesion is Leiomyosarcoma. Double in size since my scan in July. It was 2.3 cm and now is 4.6cm." I don't cry. I just listen and keep focused on Dr. Martin's eyes. Trying to capture anything unsaid and see through his eyes, words unspoken. Rand asks if surgery is an option. "No, the risks out weigh the benefits. We would be asking for more trouble" Radiation is recommended with possible chemo given at the same time. 5 weeks of radiation 5 days per week. He talks of how it has not been proven that the combination would benefit but in theory it is felt it could potentiate the effects of the radiation. In my head I am screaming "No!" But my face remains a mere mask of emotionless stare. He talks about how radiation has improved over the last 7 years. How surrounding tissues and organs are spared the ill effects. How they can pinpoint the area with great precision.

I tell him of my latest venture with the holistic approach and ask his opinion. He states that he has no knowledge of unconventional treatment but that if it makes me feel like it is helping and helps to ease my mind he has no objections. Then he proceeds to tell me of a patient he had that chose to go to a "witch doctor" and in three months he killed her liver and she died. His response was disheartening. I know however that physicians are not allowed to offer or openly support alternative treatments. I knew he was presenting to me no choice other than his own area of expertise. I quickly reminded myself that I do have a choice in my treatment plan and I was going to stay on my chosen path. I told him that I would not do chemo but would consider radiation and I would be in favor of a consultation. His office would set up an appointment for me at the hospital of my choice.

We gathered our belongings and a copy of my biopsy report. As we left the room I was flooded by my nurse friends asking...what are you going to do? I briefly told them of my plan. Eyes wide open and faces of disbelief they hug me and wish me well. I have grown to love the staff in Dr. Martins office. They have become my friends.

As we leave the office my mother in law hugs me and tells me she loves me. When we exit the building she takes my hand and squeezes it. At that moment the feeling of mothers love consumed me. As I was holding her hand I was also holding the hand of my own dear mother. I felt the love of my family near and far. I love and am loved. That is the greatest gift.

The four of us go to lunch. I text my two daughters on the way to tell them of the results. Lyndsay and I begin exchanging texts and suddenly it hits me. I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and cry.