Surgery behind me

Well, I got through my surgery which was done on the 20th. I was discharged on the 3rd day and had to be re-hospitalized on day 6 for a fever of 103.7, gee it reminded me of the good ol chemo days when I kept having to be admitted for "fever of unknown origin." A few times it got up to 104. Never could figure out where it was coming from. My tests were always negative as they were this time. when I got home I spent a lot of time on the couch with our little dog Jazzy and our two big dogs Max and Josie curled on the floor next to me. I watched old black and white movies and slept alot. The slow bounce back from surgery wasn't as I had planned...I should have learned by now that even the best layed plans are meant to be broken....By the way...chest tubes suck. And that tape that stays stuck to your body for years thats like peeling off sticky boogies...well I am still finding stickies.

I got out of the house for the first time yesterday which felt really good. Planned to go yard sale-ing but ended up at K-mart who was having a sale. The day before I spent the whole day cleaning and organizing the house. I hadn't realized how much had not been done since I went back to work almost a year ago. I believe I am on the mend.

Sometimes I feel like I could have gone through chemo for nothing because of the recurrence. But, I keep telling myself that if I hadn't, things may have been worse. We will never actually ever know what positive effects it has had. Boy can we count the negative effects though!

I have a friend who just finished her chemo for ULMS. I am confident that she will remain NED. I CONGRATULATE her on completing her chemo!!!!!!!!! I remember how I had mixed emotions when I stopped mine. It's wierd but even though it sucks and makes you sick and ugly and you know it's poison, it kinda becomes a security blanket too and you think, as long as I am taking chemo the cancer won't come back. It's wierd I know. But, I'm sure whomever has gone through chemo would understand what I am saying.

I will see my onocologist next week and find out about the pathology of my lung mets. Whether it was hormone receptive or not. Again, mixed emotions. I kinda hope in a way that it is not hormone receptive because if it is that means that my hormone blocker wasn't working. But, then on the other hand if it is not, does that mean it will keep popping up? I will also find out if I have to go through chemo again. I know I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Cancer so changes you and every aspect of your life. Every decision, every plan, every sunrise or sunset, everything you eat or drink, the music you listen to, the movies you choose...all effected by the cancer journey.

I try to stay up beat but in all honesty, its a daily struggle. Depression is beginning to take its grip and i am at the point of asking for medication to help me. Sometimes the emotion is uncontrollable. You know what I mean?

I want to thank my sister Janis for sending me this wonderful U-tube Do-Re-Mi video. I wept as I watched it. I think partially because it reminded me of my childhood and also going to see the Sound of Music with my family as a child. Another way it touched me is that it is an example of how, when we reach beyond ourselves and share happiness, music, dance, a little of ourselves, taking a chance to step outside of ourselves, take a chance to be whimsical and joyful without reserve of how we look to others, just being in the moment and expressing life....we become a magnet for others to experience joy. (Notice how the by-standers become obsorbed in the experience)

ENJOY!