Enlightened By Cancer

2012-01-29T08:47:00.001-05:00

Life

is about
deciding

how you're

going to
handle

plan

B...

Shampoo day

2012-01-27T18:53:00.000-05:00

Honey, I'm gonna go shampoo my hair now...

New Plan

2012-01-27T18:48:00.001-05:00

Ok lets see where to start...I had my follow up PET scan done a couple of weeks ago. The results confirmed what the CT had already revealed. Yes, it's cancer. Not surprised, not upset. It is what it is...

Dr. Kilgore told me that they would discuss it at tumor board on Jan 25th, which they did. The board feels that I have 3 possible options. (Options is becoming one of my favorite words)

1. Radiation (Less invasive but has its good and bad aspects)
2. Surgery (Risky because the lesion is right at the Vena Cava and Aorta)
3. Chemo (Gemzar and Taxotere which is the chemo I had in 2007. Let's just say, IT SUCKED!)

Dr. Kilgore consulted Radiation Oncology and I met with Dr. Green at UT today. Dr. Green was super nice, attentive, informative and personable.

Dr. Green told me that they could probably radiate but there would be more logistics that would need to be worked out to be sure that the area had not been radiated before. They're still not 100% sure and need to get more details from the radiologist that treated me before. However, he told me that if it were him, he would have the surgery first and then if I needed radiation after that than do it. If we radiate before surgery and don't get good results, then the surgery will be more difficult to do. Makes sense. So, I'm leaning toward surgery. I don't think that Dr. Kilgore would take un-necessary risks and if he started surgery and saw that it was too risky, he would stop. He told me that he would have 2 other surgeons with him. I'm sure a vascular surgeon would be one of them. The neat thing is that Dr. Green (Rad/Onc) is also on the tumor board so he was there for the discussion on Wednesday. Anyway, I would much rather be facing surgery than facing Chemo again. So, I'm ok with it all.

Dr. Green did say that he didn't understand why my tumor hadn't grown as fast or spread like they usually do with my type of cancer. I told him that I hoped and prayed that it was attributed to the other modalities I'm doing (laser, magnetics, acupuncture, boosting my immunity) And my prayer warriors. I told him that when I'm not in pain, or looking at my bald head in the mirror or feeling the effects of chemo, I don't feel like I have cancer. There are days that I ask myself if this is just a dream or do I really have cancer?

So, the plan now is to meet with Dr. Kilgore and discuss surgery. I suspect it will occur in the spring because I need to strategically plan it so I can use my short term or long term disability if needed. As of April 5th I will have been with my company for a year. (I think I did the math right, can't believe its already been that long!)

So, there ya go...that's it for now. Staying positive and enjoying life and it's daily blessings~

The Cleansing

2012-01-07T12:50:00.001-05:00

I slowly undress, as I take each article of clothing off, a bit is revealed of my changed self. I glance in the mirror but don't linger. I try not to look at the change that has occurred. My bald head, my chemo port, the surgical scar left behind by my hysterectomy, the eyebrows and eye lashes missing, the dry skin that falls like snow with each article removed, the sadness in the reflection looking back at me.

I carefully step over the threshold of the tub and slowly tilt into the steamy and comforting water. I feel the water slide over my baldness as tears mix with the soothing wash. My shower time is my time to cleanse my soul as well as my body. As I cry, I fill my cloth with the sweet smell of my specially chosen body wash that my daughter Lyndsay helped choose for me. Vanilla Verbena, Aromatherapy Stress Relief. I pay close attention to the sweet aroma, to the lather as it covers me. I scrub hard, trying to remove the dead skin left behind by chemo and the winter dryness. I wash every inch, every crook and cranny of my body. I appreciate this moment. My complete cleansing, the opportunity to embrace myself in this simple act of bathing. I feel the curves of my body, I embrace the freckles on my legs which are the result of youth spent days in the sun, the shape of my feet, the contour of my shoulders. I cry and think about my body as it will disintegrate to nothing after my last breath is taken. I pay close attention as my hands glide over every touchable part. I learn to love myself again. I yearn for many more moments of such simplicity. And, I cry as my tears mix with the running cleansing stream and circle down the drain along with my heart, my hope, my memories, my despair.

This act of cleansing. Much like a ritual. Much like a prayer. Much like a song or poetry, a buried treasure revealed haphazardly, a quiet morning walk on the beach in the rain. I am once again renewed.

The call

2012-01-07T11:19:00.001-05:00

The phone rings and I rush to see if I recognize the number. It's a very familiar number that I see...Dr. Kilgore's office. I take a deep breath and in an up beat voice say "hello." Sweet Amanda, Dr. Kilgore's Nurse Practioner is on the other end. We share pleasantries, chat about our holiday and how we're ready to welcome spring now that the holiday's are behind us. Both of us agree that cold weather is not our favorite and how we're ready for the sun, green, the color palate of Gods new life of Spring and being outside. I want this conversation to last but am anxious to hear what she has to say about the results of my scan. Her voice drops slightly. I know what that means. "Well Cathie, we recieved the results of your scan. It shows an increase in size of the lesion at your Aortic Biforcation. On the last scan it measured 5 point (something) and now is measuring 7 point (something)." To be honest, I didn't pay attention to the numbers after the points. The 5 to 7 was all I heard. My heart sank and in her comforting way, she continued..."Dr. Kilgore wants to get a PET scan done so we can look at it closer and determine if it's the cancer or something else such as scar tissue." Then we'll know how to proceed. We both expressed that we were surprised at the results. I told her that I was anticipating that it was still there because of my pain but didn't anticipate that it had grown. We discussed how that if it's the cancer, Chemo may not be an option. Radiation wouldn't either as Dr. Kilgore discussed with me several months ago. This is because I had already recieved radiation to the area. I heard the dissapointment in Amanda's voice. I was thankful for such a tender heart on the other end of the line. I thanked her for her call and told her that no matter what, I refused to give up. I would continue to fight. We said goodbye and I cried in remorse, in anger, in hopelessness.

Fighting the tears, I sent a text to Rand who was at work, my children, sisters and dear friend Robin. Informing them of the news was difficult. I ended my text with "Do you think I'll make it to my 5 year anniversary?" (This will be in September.) But, with a second consideration, I erased it. I need to stay positive for my family. If I fall apart, they will too. I need to be their strength.

I recieve responses from several of my family with encouraging words of love. I also get a call from my mother in law who tells me that Rand had called her. She said she would have called sooner but she couldn't stop crying. I repeat what Amanda told me. I told her I wasn't giving up. We both express our discust with the news. As I stand in the bathroom crying...Rand walks through the door and I melt in his embrace.

Come Spring, with your green, and purple and warmth. Come Spring, with your promise for a new tomorrow and put to rest this cold and dreary heart. Come Spring, and let me point my face to your sun. With my eyes closed, I can see the light filter, I see the beauty of the water as it ripples towards me and in its reflection, the delicate portrait of life anew.

Sister visit

2012-01-06T09:59:00.000-05:00

Looking back on the many blessings of the past few months I remember with love and appreciation, the visit from my sisters Janis and Beverly and neice Rachel who arrived at my doorstep the day after Thanksgiving. I was just a few days out of my second treatment and not feeling the greatest so our time together mostly consisted of eating, and napping. Daughter Lyndsay was here too which was nice. It still felt good to share the "air-space" with my sisters, neice and daughter. The last day of their visit we picked up the pace and played with my wigs. We all mentioned that it was a shame that we started our silly sister stuff the day of their departure but never-the-less, we all agreed that it was better late than never.

Jan in her fro, me, Rachel and Beverly. What fun we had and laughed till we pee'd.

Follow up scan today

2012-01-05T11:52:00.001-05:00

Today I go for my follow up CT scan which has been planned for after Round 3. I'm not nervous or apprehensive. I think I already know the outcome. I anticipate that there will be some decrease in size but will need to continue Chemo for the total 6 rounds. My hope at that time is that the next scan will show eradication of the lesion and I will be cancer free. I will then live well into my 90's (or longer) and leave this earth when I get darn good and ready. So there you go you nasty dragon!

Round 3 complete and Christmas Joys

2012-01-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

Round 3 was completed just in time for Christmas. Our daughter Lyndsay came to town a few days after I got home to help prepare for Christmas. Thank goodness for that! We spent everyday shopping and getting the house ready. Thank you Lyndsay for your help! I couldn't have done it without you!

Round 3 went with no problems. I had the usual weakness and nausea but nothing out of the ordinary. Dr. Kilgore surprised me with a song he played on his guitar The Bleak Mid Winter. Beautiful! Not only is Dr. Kilgore a talented physician but he is also a talented musician. Thank you Dr. Kilgore for making my Christmas special by sharing of yourself. Now how many Doctors do that for their patients?

Christmas was special as ever. Our Tennessee and North Carolina families all in attendence except for our son-in-law Michael who is on deployment in Afghanistan. We missed you and love you Michael! We shared laughter, good food and fellowship. Another Christmas to be thankful for. Christmas #4 since my diagnosis. YIPEE! I'm entering my 5th year of survival. That's a milestone!

It took 5 tries to get this photo. Rand kept goosing Dylan and Jason kept making goofy faces. I finally just said "forget it!" What a bunch of cuckoos!

Jason and Tiffany showed up dressed in their tacky Christmas sweaters and glasses. Kylee said "we look nasty mommie" Gee whiz....there's no hope!

Thank you Lord for the love and laughter of family!

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-12-13T06:57:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving was a good day. I became dehydrated and had to go to Dr. Kilgore's office for some IV fluids the day before which made me feel better. Everyone pitched in to prepare the food and it felt strange and nice to be shuffled back to my recliner by my daughters, husband and mother in law when I made my presence in the kitchen. It was a lovely day surrounded by family and laughter.

A beautiful Gift from a beautiful friend~

2011-12-13T01:25:00.000-05:00

My beautiful hand dyed scarf that my dear friend Susan Meachum Grace made for me to help keep my chemo head warm and pretty. Thank you my sweet friend for sharing your talent and your heart with me...forever my sister and hippie friend. We will always be sisters of the earth and what a blessing for me to have shared my teenage years with you. I continue in thankfulness and appreciation that our paths have found their way into each others lives once again!

A message from my Husband

2011-12-13T01:04:00.000-05:00

As I enter the hospital for my 3rd treatment, I am reminded of the love that surrounds me. My in-laws picked me up and brought me to the hospital so Rand wouldn't have to leave work. We teased and laughed the whole way and they stayed with me for a couple of hours. My family lifted me in prayer along with my baby sister Lisa who had surgery today. My best friend Robin called me to check on me. Dr. Kilgore took the time to converse back and forth with me on email when I was at a low point searching for answers. So many gestures of love that has made my journey a little easier. Thank you my special family, friends and cargivers who continue to lift me up, support me and help keep hope alive!

Then to top it off, I ran across a message that Rand had written me about a month or so ago. His words mean so much to me. Knowing that I'm not fighting alone when in this journey I often feel I am totally alone. He never fails to remind me..."I am here"

Rand shaving my head when my hair started to fall out

The longer that I know you... the wonderful spirit that resides inside of you.. that strong, don't quit mentality.... the loving and caring woman that you truly are.... the more I love you. You don't walk alone. I'll nudge you... when needed. I'll walk beside you.... always. I'll wipe your tears... when you are weak. I'll hold your hand.... anytime. But most of all, I'll love you forever. Hang in there, my wife. Life is tough now, but this battle is worth it.... even when it seems this is beyond difficult. Together we'll fight this. Together! I love you.

Gotta love her

2011-11-16T07:05:00.001-05:00

My friend Robin decided to pop in on me last night. She had called earlier yesterday and told me she would be here in the late afternoon. At about 9 pm she texted me to say she was on her way. That's typical Robin, she whirls and twirls around, taking care of everyone around her and her time just goes away. She is taking care of her mother in law who is now living with her and Dr. Dennis, and she has 2 college boys that live in and out of the house. I know what a sacrifice it is for her to take time to come and see me, so she can come at midnight if she wants, but I would rather her be fast asleep by then.

She gets to my room with her big grin and blurts out "hello my friend" and places on my lap home made supper she had cooked before she left the house. Then she hands me a carmel coffee she bought along the way. She then starts digging in her purse and presents me with a new Bald Head cap, turtle earings from Bald Head Island, some Burts Bee's lip balm, a pair of screaming loud Christmas jammies and 2 little stone turtles from Bald Head Island that she had bought for herself but heard me mention when I was at her house one day that I thought they were adorable. Before she left she tried to give me some hard tin candy that she had in her purse. Geez.... Gotta love that girl~

Stone turtles from Bald Head

We enjoyed our visit together. She climbed in bed with me and we fiddled for 30 minutes trying to take our self portrait which you see proudly displayed below. After about 10 tries, we finally settled on this one. I told her she looked pretty and I looked like a Cancer patient. She blurted back, "wrong, I don't look pretty and yes you ARE a cancer patient" Geez.... Again, gotta love that girl~

Thank you Robin, for being you. Thank you for being "out there" and not caring what other people think. Thank you for speaking your heart, not mincing words, crying with me, getting pissed off with me, helping me to remain hopeful, for your giving nature and being the best friend ever.

Our self portrait with my Bald Head cap and turtle earings and my best friend ever!

Mommie

2011-11-15T20:57:00.002-05:00

Thank you Mother for the card you sent me. I feel you loving me every day. I hope you feel me loving you too. You are such a treasure and I love you so much. May blessings dance through the sky and land gently upon you~

My precious mother LaDonna

Two more sweeties to add to my list

2011-11-15T20:49:00.001-05:00

I want to introduce you to two more people who have been a part of my Oncology team. These two ladies have been so kind and helpful. Jamie works in food services. She's the one that takes my menu order (which I always modify in some way) I tend to be a little finicky, no plastic, paper, styrofoam and glass only...for some reason the plastic bowl and cups make me want to...well you know. My palate is all jacked up. Nothing tastes good, there's like a chemical taste in all my food. uugghhh! But Jamie does her best to make me happy. Thank you Jamie for putting up with my antics and modifications, you deserve a medal!

And then there is Ashley, she's my CNA. She's a little farm girl and I love hearing her stories about her farm. Her fiancee' farms too and uses primative farming techniques that I think is really cool. He even plows with mules! She told me a story about her blue hen that lays green eggs and her buddy the goat. She has pigs that she loves. I asked, how can you love a pig? Aren't they stinky and waller and snort and stuff? She said "not my pigs" She showed me a video of her pigs, their pen is built off the ground so they don't waller, they go down a ramp to get to the wallering hole. But when they come back up into the pen they get sprayed off with a garden hose. They roll around and dance under the water, they look shiny and clean. I told Ashley, well I think I could love a pig now! I'll post the stories when she gets me some pictures. Thanks Ashley for your stories and your gentle care. You take such good care of me~

Happy Surprise in the mail

2011-11-15T20:23:00.001-05:00

Some times it's the little gestures of love and kindness that sweeps you off your feet and causes tears to fall. What a heartwarming surprise to get a card from my daughter Tiffany and 2 youngest grandchildren Kylee and Landan. They painted grammie a picture and Kylee made a "turkey" with her handprint. My two little silly wiggle worms...I am so blessed~

Landans picture is on the left and Kylee's is on the right

Is that a K and a Y I see, and maybe an L and some e's? Could Kylee almost write her name?

Thank you Tiffany for brightening my day, bringing a tear to my eyes, a smile to my face and warmth to my heart! I want to thank you for being so thoughtful. The effort you go through to keep me a part of your life. You are always sending me pictures and telling me stories of your life with your children and I want you to know how much that means to me. I wish that we were able to spend more time together but you make the time apart easier to bare. I love you my daughter~You are such a blessing to me!

Round 2

2011-11-15T18:34:00.000-05:00

Well here I am again at UT Hosptial Oncology Unit. I dreaded my return as the last visit here was not pleasant. I'm hoping and praying that this infusion treats me with more kindness. My physician has decreased my chemo by 30% which makes me quite happy. Hope its enough to thwart off the cancer and also keep the side effects from being so insane. It's the end of day 2. My chemo has been infusing for about 24 hours now. I'm beginning to feel the yucky sneak in. My food is starting to taste icky, like chemicals, my mouth is feeling funny, like the beginnning of thrush and I'm starting to feel a little sicky, like under the weather...ggrrrrr...

If all goes well, I will be finished with my chemo Thursday night, finish the Mesna Friday morning, get discharged, wheel over to Dr. Kilgore's office for my Neulesta injection then home again!

We'll be getting ready for our Thanksgiving when I get home. I decided I was going to have Thanksgiving at our house like we usually do. If I don't feel well, I'll deal with it. I'm not going to fret over it. And, I'll have the help of my children, in-laws and 2 of my sisters! So, hey I'm good!

So, I'm happy that round 2 is underway. After round 3 I get re-scanned. My hope is that it shows NED (No evidence of disease) and I won't have to have additional treatments. We'll see....

Home Again

2011-11-03T07:48:00.000-04:00

I was finally discharged home on Monday evening (10/31/2011) How wonderful it feels to be back in my little nest. I spent most of the evening cleaning. I changed the linen on the bed, did some laundry, shampoo'd carpets, cleaned off the deck...wore myself out a little bit but it felt so good! I got a few stern looks from Rand and a comment here and there but he knows better than to try to stop me when I get something in my head. I had been dormant for 2 weeks and had alot of nervous energy to get rid of.

I went to Dr. Kilgore's office to get labs drawn yesterday. Hopeful that my WBC's and platelets have continued to improve. However, I hope they aren't too good because that means that I'm that much closer to my next treatment. Dr. Kilgore told me that he decided he was going to decrease the dosage of my chemo by 25% next time. I told him "I'm not going to argue with that!" I think it surprised all of us that it kicked my tail feathers the way it did.

But, in the meantime, I'm going to chill and continue to work on my recovery and get my self ready for ROUND 2...

Dennis and Robin

2011-10-31T11:15:00.001-04:00

I know I've spoken of Dr. Dennis and Robin several times. But, just don't think I have shared just how much these two people mean to Rand and I. We met by chance several years ago when Rand and I helped host and MC'd the Knoxville Tea Party Rally. Robin actually called us first. Don't remember any details but do remember her chattering and what seemed to be non-sensical dialoge and remember that I was rather exhausted when we hung up the phone. That's one thing about Robin, she's a chatter box, she's non-sensical, she's loving, she's giving, she never fails to reach out and give in abundance. Generosity is as natural to Robin as breathing in and breathing out. Dr. Dennis has many gifts. He's intelligent, skilled, humorous, gentle, compassionate, giving, kind and gives a mean massage. He can describe the intricate workings of a cell and is passionate about teaching. Be careful when he breaks into one of his silly fits when you're sitting in some public place like Cracker Barrel though.

What a nice surprise when Robin arrives at my room with her little bag of foot creams and exfoliating rubs and gives me a wonderful foot massage. Dennis? Well, I basically just said "I need a Dr. Feel Good massage to go with my foot treatment"

Thank you Dr. and Mrs. Jones for your un-ending friendship. For never expecting anything from us but continue to give in abundance. Thank you for being true friends, for helping me through my difficult times, making the hurt not hurt so bad and celebrating the good times. Thank you for never failing to keep that little hope flame flickering inside of me. Thank you for a shoulder to cry on and for making me laugh until it hurts.

We love you and treasure our friendship and will never be able to re-pay you for what you have done and continue to do for us~

Slow improvement

2011-10-31T10:30:00.000-04:00

(Saturday) Slowly and consistantly I continue to improve, my blood counts are still low which puts me at risk for bleeding and infection and I've now started having this sharp pain that goes across my scalp and in my ears. To lightly touch my scalp hurts. Feels like my nerve pathways are on edge. I know that Vancomycin can cause some neuro toxicity but they are keeping an eye on my levels. Still getting the Vanco, Diflucan and Zosyn. Looking forward to a possible discharge in the next few days. I miss my little fur babies....

Move to 12 East Oncology Unit

2011-10-31T07:46:00.005-04:00

I'm back on the oncology unit now. Little by little I continue to improve. I'm still reciving continous infusions of antibiotics. It's still very difficult to eat and I am able to only consume a couple bites at a time. My mouth is still extremely sore and every little nibble causes my espophagus to go into spasm. I have however discovered that pain medication isn't just for cancer pain and that you can ask for it for other types of pain. So, once I had my eureka moment and began asking for pain medication, I was able to be more compliant with taking my Magic Mouthwash and my comfort level greatly increased. My WBC's are extremely low as well as my platelets and my Hemaglobin and Hematicrit low enoough that I required a transfusion. I must say that after I got the blood I felt much better.

As my hospitalization continues, people continue to touch my life. I have to say that UT has a unique staff. They can be absolutely crazy but when they come into your room they make you feel that you are the only patient they have and as they leave your room they never fail to ask you if there is anything else they can do and mean it.

Daniel CNA

Boy is he a handful, and he runs
a tight ship. He makes sure I eat and drink,
poop and pee, and he keeps trying to force
nasty 'ol Ensure on me. He's bossy and sassy,
and full of love and care. Thanks Daniel for
your way of making me feel like I was the Queen~

Jessica RN and Bonnie RN

Natasha RN

 "Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

Hannah

2011-10-30T16:32:00.001-04:00

What a delight when I got this sweet little card from Hannah, the 5 year old daughter of our friends Matt and Carol. Matt and Carol lived next to us until about a year ago when they bought a new home in the country. Thank you Hannah for the sweet card! You made me smile Hannie Banannie!

Hannah and daughter Lyndsay

Carol and Matt (Sorry Carol, you can scalp me but I have no hair at the moment. This was the only pic I could find of you and Matt, remember our Motown Party!?)

A quote

2011-10-30T15:54:00.000-04:00

"The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun." - Napoleon Hill

This quote was shared by my sister...she told me that it reminded her of me...I don't think I'm that strong but, do believe the people that are put around me at certain times are the exact people I need to be there at that moment. The person may not even have to be there in a physical sense. It's through these connections that I gather my strength.

Moments and Milestones

2011-10-30T11:08:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, moments become milestones and gestures of love and caring become deep and emotional, either from the one who gives or from the one who recieves or both. Sometimes words are not necessary and the silence of the moment embraces all the truth, the tears, the letting go, the holding on, the bumpy ride and the soft landing on the other side of understanding. Sometimes, we are touched in such a way that our trembling soul finds it's embracement in another, trembling together there is found harmony and soon the trembling takes flight to a magical rythum of softness, divineness, pure understanding, true compassion being in the light and basking in its warmth and embrace as one.

As I lye in bed I am gently nudged to wakefulness and standing there in all their sweetness are Pam (my supervisor at Blue Cross) and Lacy the District Manager. As tears fill my eyes I am embraced by their sincere concern and assured that my job is secure and I have nothing to fear. They will take care of everything. What a huge relief to know that your company truly cares about you as a person and that your supervisors are also your friends.

During our conversation, I am presented with a package from Pam. I am told that it's a special delivery from her boyfriend Glen. I am also told that she was given explicit instructions that the package was to be opened by me only. Ok, I'm intrigued...I wrestle with the well taped box that could only have been done this securily by a man...I finally ask for assistance and between the 3 of us we are able to loosen all of the tape securing the box...Pam and Lacy step back, we all take a deep breath and I slowly lift the flaps so the lid opens. Its wrapped in 2 miles of bubble wrap and I say "it feels fragile"....I just didn't realize how fragile at that moment. As I finally reveal the contents of the box, I am delighted to see a beautiful Mickey Mouse Snow Globe. Emotions start bubbling up inside of me and as I look up at Pam, I see tears in her eyes and she softly whispers, "now I know why he didn't want me to know"

As Pam continued with her story, she shares with me that Glens former wife Becky died of Uterine Cancer and the Mickey Mouse Snow Globe belonged to her. Pam said that he had been having a very difficult time dealing with her death. We cried and through my tears I looked at Pam and said, "he's letting go".

Glen, I hope you know how much your gesture of love means to me. And also to the wife that you lost. I know she is looking at you right now with pride and not only are you giving her the freedom to take flight, you are also giving yourself permission to move on. This was a huge step for you and a humbling moment for me. You have touched me in a way that is difficult to describe, you see Glen, my husband Rand also lost a wife to cancer, her name was Barbara, and Mickey Mouse was one of her favorite characters too...and the scenario was much the same except for one distinct difference. It wasn't Rand that couldn't let go, but I that couldn't let go of Barbara. Even though I never knew her, she was part of me. Rand and I have spent many nights in tearful conversation with Rand trying to help me accept, deal with, embrace, forget, understand, let go... and now, Rand is faced with the possibility of losing 2 wives to cancer. So Glen, please know, I understand the enormity of what you have done by placing this special piece of Becky in my care.

I will treasure your gift forever and carry its memory and meaning in my heart, I will share its story at every opportunity and be forever grateful for this experience that was shared between us.

4 South

2011-10-30T09:42:00.001-04:00

Two of my little baby girl nurses Kaci (top) and Ashely (bottom) What skilled and focused nurses to be so young! Both in their twenties, with a vision for their future to continue on a medical path. Good luck to both you girls, you will continue to do great things and touch lives. You have certainly touched mine! Oh, and by the way Ashley, when I got to the Oncology floor, the nurse said, "gee I don't know why it took them so long to send you up here, your bed has been ready all day" Hummm, and you kept saying my bed wasn't ready. I smell a conspiracy...ya think?

Because there were no beds available on the oncology unit, I was admitted to 4 South which is the Nephrology unit. I don't remember alot about the remainder of that day. I do remember however, how I felt safe and cared for. Thank you Kaci and Asheley and the others involved in my care during my stay on 4 East. What a great bunch of professionals!

Hospitalized

2011-10-29T15:21:00.002-04:00

Things continue to go downhill fast. I'm not able to eat or drink. Now, my mouth and esophagus are so painful I can't even swallow saliva or air. I'm getting weaker and weaker. I managed to work from home one day (Tuesday) and piddle around the house a little but with great effort. On Wednesday I finally call Dr. Kilgore and make an appointment to come in and get IV fluids. Rand helps me into the clinic. Once I get there I crash. I begin to sob, although I can't speak, I'm running fever, trembling, so sick I feel like I'm dying. They start an IV through my port and decide I need to be admitted to the hosptial. The hospital brings a gurney to transport me because I'm too weak to sit up. My fever is 102, and I have a horrible case of thrush that is from my mouth all the way down my espophagus. My esophagus goes into spasm every time I try to swallow. My WBC's are 0.1 so I am placed in neutropenic precautions. Several different antibiotics are ordered and run simultaneously. I lay there and think..."I thought I decided I wasn't going to put myself through this again"

Going downhill fast

2011-10-29T14:22:00.002-04:00

On my discharge day, we had to go to Dr. Kilgore's office on our way home so I could get my Neulasta injection. It was so hard for me to even ride in the wheel chair through the cooridors to the clinic. I was so weak and so spaced out, like my feet weren't on the earth and my head was in the clouds, literally. I had several doses of anti-nausea and pain medication before I left, my throat was a little sore too. I couldn't eat or drink but nibble and sips. My tongue had a white film on it and nothing tasted right. I layed my head on Rand. Time stood still and I thought I would never get through the process. The ride home was treacherous. I went straight to bed and stayed there except for the short time that Tiffany and the kids came to visit. I felt like I was getting worse. I expected to have weakness when my white count dropped but something wasn't right.

My sweet friend Robin Jones came over on Tuesday evening and cooked me home made potato soup and homemade piminto cheese. I tried so hard to eat it but couldn't take but a couple of bites. Robin piled up in bed with me, we talked and petted the pups. It was a nice visit even though I wasn't much company. Thank you Robin for trying to make me feel better and making me comfort food. I've always told Robin that if we're ever stranded together anywhere, she is going to be the cook and I'll do the clean up...She's such a great cook. She cooks for us alot when we go to their house for my Wednesday treatements. She and Dennis are such great friends and Rand and I are truely blessed to have them in our lives. This picture of Robin and I was taken last summer when we were on Bald Head Island. Robin already has our next trip planned. I love you my friend.

Two daughters and two grandkids at the same time!

2011-10-29T13:21:00.003-04:00

The day after I got home, our daughter Tiffany stopped by with the little ones for a short visit. It was nice to have both my girls together and watch them interact and be sisters. I stayed on the couch and enjoyed the life movie being played out in front of me. Fixing food together, working with the kids together....it was a lovely visit.

Thank you Tiffany and Lyndsay for your love for one another, for remaining close and being best friends. It is one of a mothers greatest gifts to see her children share in their lives and to carry on as family.

Kylee and Landan, always make me smile. Thank you for making a happy day!

Surprise from North Carolina!

2011-10-29T13:09:00.003-04:00

The fourth day of my chemo I got a surprise that came peeking through my hospital room door. My daughter Lyndsay drove up from North Carolina to spend some time with her mommie. I just hugged her and sobbed. "My Lyndsay, My Lyndsay" I was in dis-belief.
She spent the night with me at the hospital, helped me get my things packed the next day and met Rand and I at the house. She was my little cleaning bunny, errand runner, chauffer and cook and oh how I enjoyed it!

Lyndsay always cleans for me when she comes home. She gets in all the nics and cranies where I have a tendency to forget. I have to say, it was so nice to relax and not have to worry over the house for a while. She is such a little merrie maid! Thank you my sweet daughter for coming home to help your mommie when I needed it so bad. I love you so much!

Meet some of my Oncology Team

2011-10-19T17:42:00.002-04:00

Some people just fit so well in the path they have chosen to walk. Or, maybe the path was chosen for them...nevertheless, it's quite evident to those of us who are on the "other side" of the lab coat, if the person who is extending their hand, providing your care, asking the questions and really listening to the answers truly are committed and have the true compassion that they portray. I believe that the Oncology staff here at UT Medical Center are secure in their path to be the caregivers of people who are fighting Cancer. Thank you so much for your compassion, skill, whit, finger shaking to get my tail up and walk, ownership of my care and responsiveness to my needs....

RN's Lynda and Denise. One thing that impressed me (being a RN myself keeps me on high alert of the "little things" that mean so much) were the way things are handled at shift change. On-coming and off-going make rounds together as part of their shift change. I have never seen this done and wow what a difference this small gesture of professionalism makes. Continuity of care, individualized care, and patient re-assurance that our personal baton is being passed . We're not just a blind report on a recorder, a room number, a diagnosis. We're a person, with a face, a family, a history, a personality, a need and most of all, a self to offer and share....

My sweet little Chemo Pharmacist Jaclyen with her Intern Kelly. Thanks for spending the extra time with me this morning to share tears, story's and laughter and get to know each other. Thank you for the extra mile you go to make sure that my medications are safely and appropriately prepared. You are an intricate part of my battle with Cancer. Don't forget my advice concerning your future life mate....not that I think you really need it as you seem to be doing quite well on your own. Kelly, good luck on your path, you have a great mentor and I know you will be wonderful in your new career.

Meet Becky RN, Becky is my day nurse today. She is a very articulate and skilled nurse. She portrays confidence, skill and expertise in everything she does. This is her "Price is Right" pose. She said she always wanted to be a Price is Right model. Here's your debute my dear....And by the way, I'll take the letter C for Chemo, Care, Couragous, Compassion, Comedian and just so darn Cute!

Meet Bob

2011-10-19T17:34:00.002-04:00

Bob walks the halls of the Oncology floor, he is swift in stride, head held high and encourages me by saying, "you're doing great" with each passing as we walk in opposite directions. As I stroll past the nurses station I find him hugging and mingling with the staff, talking jovial and confident. As he stops to talk to Rand and I we are emersed in his story, 66 years old and diagnosed with Leukemia found in a exam related to back pain. Up to that point he was active, vibrante, strong. He's very firm in his belief that being positive, active and putting on his warrior suit of armor is the way to survive, to beat the odds, to be the victor. He's full of fire, confidence, and stamina. Bob, you're a special person. I'll be seeing you around as we both return each month for our treatments. We'll experience each others changes, good days, bad days. We'll continue to encourage and provide understanding and support. We have been linked by this disease called CANCER and will share our victories together....thanks for reaching out. I'll be seeing you around Bob!

Happy Morning to ya!

2011-10-19T12:28:00.002-04:00

What a wonderful way to start my day! Two special Physicians that are yet another piece of the puzzle that helps me keep the warrior spirit in me.

Thank you Dr. Larry Kilgore and Dr. Kristen Sorensen for your giving spirit, your expertise, your human-ness. Thank you for your honesty and candid approach to my treatment and future and also for your arm around me, the encouraging words you always remember to say and for being responsive to my needs...oh and for your cell phone number and email address....

You are a blessing in my life and I have claimed my "bragging rights" as I speak of you to all I meet with much pride and thankfulness.

Day Two

2011-10-18T09:22:00.003-04:00

Day Two is beginning without a hitch. I was up and down last night going "pee pee". It feels good to be hydrated. I'm horrible at keeping myself hydrated and drinking enough water. I think its just pure laziness.

Dr. Kilgore and and Dr. Sorenson popped in about 6:30 this morning. Both were up-beat with displays of beautiful smiling faces and happy eyes. I meant to take their pictures as they sat on my bed, like two little angels but got caught in conversation and next thing I new they were down the hall. So, I decided to add the pick of Dr. Kilgore and mysself that he took with his phone several months ago at one of my office visits. I'll try to be on top of my game next visit. Dr. Kilgore reviewed "the plan" again. Continueous Adriamycin (Doxorubicin) for 4 days, Ifosfamide to be infused over 4 hours each day for 4 days, Mesna, Zofran and Decadron. Neuro checks, Vital signs monitoring, keep an eye out for any blood in my urine, Lovenox injections to keep my blood thin while on chemo and then I'll go to the office on my way home on Friday to get my Neulesta injection.

Neulesta also known as Pegfilgrastim is used to reduce the chance of infection in people who have certain types of cancer and are receiving chemotherapy medications that may decrease the number of neutrophils (a type of blood cell needed to fight infection). Pegfilgrastim is in a class of medications called colony stimulating factors. It works by helping the body make more neutrophils.

The main side effects to expect are:

redness, swelling, bruising, itching or a lump in the area where the medication was injected, bone, joint, or muscle pain (I remember my the first Neutrophil stimulating medication I got with my first round of chemo. It was horrible. I thought "this is what it feels like to die" all the while my husband re-assuring me that it was just the medications doing what they needed to do to eraticate the cancer.) As I researched my new chemo recipe I discovered several references stating that Loratidine (trade name - Claritin) if taken will reduce the side effects of Neulesta, it will be interesting to see how it works since it was so horrible the first time around. I stopped by the pharmacy and picked up some so I have it on hand for my dose Friday morning.

Side effects continued: headache, weakness, constipation, vomiting (Its really strange that since I went through Chemo the first time, there are times that I'll throw up for no reason. I'll suddenly start feeling queezy and crampy and throw up, when I'm finished, I feel fine. Weird. I never had the typical nausea and vomiting associated with the treatments though)

Side effects continued: swelling of the arms, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs (I remember this from my last 'bout with Chemo too, I think it may have partially been the fact too that I was having to take Prednisone for a lengthy time because of the pulmonary toxicity of Gemzar and Taxetere. I remember my huge ankles and puffy round face, not being able to wear my sassy heels and skirts but instead wore what I termed as "granny shoes" and "stretchy pants". I think that was worse than losing my hair! I'm hoping this time I won't experience such an extreme.)

Now a little bit about the medication Mesna. Mesna is given prior to, during or after each dose of chemotherapy. This medication is used to protect the bladder wall from the harmful effects chemo.

Side effects from mesna are common and include: bad taste in the mouth (I'm already getting this yucky taste in my mouth, good though because it may make me grab for my water) diarrhea or soft stools, headache,
nausea, vomiting, fatigue, blood in the urine.

Ok, gotta go pee pee now....wierd again...pee pee'd 1000cc but didnt feel the sensation like I needed to go bad...maybe the Mesna has some anesthetic property's...?

My cutie patootie... Dr. Kilgore

Day One - Chemo Begins

2011-10-17T22:02:00.003-04:00

DAY ONE - Chemo begins
October 17, 2011

A long anticipated day has arrived. I managed to keep my tears at bay for the majority of day. A little frightened, a little excited, a tad bit of dread but my thankfulness takes front seat to all other emotions. I am still in the fight. The nurses on the Oncology floor said I look too good to be sick. I said, "give it a few treatments and then i'll look the part." I should lose my hair around the time of the 3rd treatment. It's so surreal as I look in the mirror and see a healthy me and then my pain kicks in to remind me that I am fragile.
Or my lack of vigor tells me that all is not well.

Checking out the labels on my infusions. The orange is the Adriamycin and the small bag in the forefront is Ifosfamide. There is also a drug called Mesna that helps protect my urinary tract. According to my nurse Denise, Adriamycin is toxic to the urinary tract. Decadron and Zofran are also hanging out with the rest to curb nausea and vomiting.

The lovely concoction of Ifosphamide and Adriamycin

My nurse Denise hanging the first two bags of Chemo. Denise asked me what "very good care" meant to me. My answer....compassion and skill. I told her that the actual list is much longer than that, but those two expectations would do for now. Denise has been an Oncology nurse for about 30 years. Thanks Denise for "your" compassion and skill.

The journey continues

2011-10-08T09:07:00.001-04:00

The journey continues.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to go, but I must be on my way

Every song I sing, I sing for you
Every step I take, I take for you
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Ode to my Family

2011-10-08T08:45:00.000-04:00

My precious family, your words, your hearts, your deep never-ending love, your beauty, your whispers of hope, your melody's that play in my head over and over, winding gracefully in and through, finding rest in my heart, giving me comfort, causing me without thought to look up and through my tears say thank you as I am embraced by the wonder of Gods love.

Juanita

2011-09-29T23:55:00.000-04:00

I made Juanita cry today

I didn't mean her harm

I asked her how old she was

as I gently stroked her arm

She looked at me curiously

and said, "I don't rightly know"

I smiled and proudly said,

"You're 95 years old!"

The tears welled up in her eyes

Confusion filled her head

"I guess it's time for me to go,

I'd be better dead"

"All I do is sit and wait

for the Lord to take me home,

I know I am quite useless now,

my youth is long past gone"

Cathie Cardwell

June 2011

back to the chemo club

2011-09-29T23:32:00.000-04:00

My September scan showed an increase in the lesion at the aortic biforcation. It now measures 5.4cm. My pain has become more consistant resulting in having to medicate 2 times a day. Dr. Kilgore called me to his office after he presented my results to the tumor board. I knew what that meant. It meant chemo...and yes, that's exactly what he told us. We were able to hold off longer than we thought we could, but waiting any longer would put me at risk of it getting out of hand. So, I tearfully accepted my assignment. Back to the chemo club I go.

The drugs I'll recieve this time are Adriamycin and Ifosfamide. This little cocktail has shown good results with Sarcoma and Dr. Kilgore expects it to shrink the lesion. A great side effect of the lesion getting smaller will be a decrease in pain. I'm all about that!

So, the plan is to get some base line testing done because the chemo can affect my heart and neurological status. Some people have experienced balance problems, coordination issues, hearing loss and such. Today I had my echo cardiogram, I get my port placed on October 3rd and will get a hearing test. These are my baseline tests so if I start having deficits, they can be identified early.

Yes, I dread the whole ordeal, but surprisingly, after my day of crying when I was told it was time, I have a sense of acceptance and thankfulness that the outcome could mean a decrease in size and pain and prolonging my life. I'll lose my hair again, no big deal. Well kind of but, I've done it before and it wasn't that bad. I still have all my wigs, red, brunette, dark brown and even grey.

My chemo will be done about every 3 to 4 weeks for a duration of 6 cycles (or 6 months.) So in March 2012 I'll be finished. I'll be hospitalized for the infusion that will last 3 days. I'll check in on a Monday for prep, be infused on Tues, Wed and Thurs and go home on Friday. I'll be hyper hydrated with IV fluids to flush my kidneys. Now that I only have one functioning kidney, its super important to prevent toxicity.

I wonder why I'm ok with it all...why I'm not freaking out and slipping into a despair of depression. Yes, I'm sad but it's a sadness that my life has been so extremely altered by this dragon called CANCER. It seems somewhat surreal at this point. I'm sure it'll hit me one day like a black drape thrown over my head.
Will it be the day I decide to shave my head to avoid my hair falling out slowly? Will it be when I get my port placed? Will it be when I'm admitted to the hospital for the first time or when the first bag of cocktail is hung? Will it be the first feeling of the effects of chemo when I'm vomiting and hurting from the medication to help my bone marrow production or stumbling my way to the bathroom? Will it be when I'm too weak to do my dishes or laundry or cook my husband supper or care for my dogs? Will it be when I pass on the Marquarita when my husband and I go to dinner? I'm sure it'll come...

I am ever so thankful because I am again given hope.

No Changes

2011-08-15T22:05:00.000-04:00

I was scanned again on July 5th and results were "no change" I got the call while standing in Walmart looking at a fan for our camper. Amanda (Dr. Kilgores Nurse Practioner) was the sweet voice on the other end of the line reporting the news. I'm sure I was heard in automotive when I shreeked, "yipee!"

The plan at that point was to see Dr. Kilgore in August for an exam. That occured on August 8th. It was great to see Dr. Kilgore and Amanda again. I chit chatted with the receptionist who decided that I needed a new picture for my medical record because the one that was in my chart was when I got a wild hair and bleached my hair blonde. WHAT WAS I THINKING? We had fun as we tried several poses and giggled like little girls. The physical exam was uncomfortable. I can certainly tell when he touches the tumor in my right lower abdomen. But, Dr. Kilgore reported that he didn't feel any change. So, the plan is that I'll go back for another scan in September.

I have pain daily but as long as I keep my pain medications on board I do fine. The pain is much like a really bad period vs labor pains which envolves my entire lower abdomen and lower back. Without my pain medication, it would be unbarable. I'm thankful that I have quality of life. I tend to be somewhat moody at times. I don't know if it's the lack of hormones, the deep sense of doom I sometimes have difficulty shaking or what. But, none the less, I am grateful to still have my feet planted on Gods great earth and love all around me.

Rand and I spend every weekend on our land "Gobbler Knob" and work on our earth bag home. Our camper is our home away from home. It's alot of hard physical labor and Rand sometimes worries about me working too hard. But, as long as I'm able, I'll continue. We definetley have blood, sweat and tears in that house. But, I see it as the house that love built. Please visit our website gobblerknob.com and follow our progress.

Purple nails painted with love~

2011-06-25T10:38:00.087-04:00

Painted with LMS Purple in loving support of me...their mother, sister, neice and cousin~

Sometimes one's heart is stirred unexpectedly, a simple gesture of love and support lifts you like angel wings~Our feet have walked every step of our life journey in what forms our being. Each bare foot on the morning grass, each step that you take carefully as to not step on a thorn or faulter from a stepping stone. Maybe accidently piercing the foot only to remind us that there are those who have been placed on our path to help us when we take a faultered step.

Thank you my precious family, for your un-ending love and support. I couldn't walk this journey without you, nor would I want to try~

Daughter Tiffany and Grand Daughter Kylee

Daughter Lyndsay and Son in Law Michael

Sister Cyndi's toes

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

Aunt Becky, Cousin's Elizabeth and Rondal (Poor Ron, he grew up with a bunch of girls) and Rondals children, Olivia and Charlie

Sister Angie

Little Ali, Neice Candace's daughter

Neice Candace

Sister Beverly

Can hold off on Chemo another month

2011-06-06T18:14:00.000-04:00

I got the results back from my scan. I was told that the "Aortic Lymph Necrotic Node" went from 3.2 x 3.8 to 4.4 x 4.0. No changes were noted in the pelvis or lung. No additional involvement.

It was good news for us. This means that I can continue to hold off on Chemo for a while longer.

Little Happies....

2011-06-06T18:08:00.000-04:00

Saturday was a fun sunny day with my two youngest Grandchildren, Kylee and Landan. We played in the pool, gathered eggs from the chicken coup, went exploring, did an art project and ate too many popcicles. A day of making memories. I asked Kylee if she had to go pee pee, and told her that I was concerned that she hadn't gone all day. Her response was to hold her hands in the air and state matter of fact..."Grandmommie, I pee pee'd in the pool!" I couldn't help but laugh. It was like a "du" moment.

Thank you Lord for another day to share and play~

Morning Has Broken

2011-06-03T07:11:00.001-04:00

Morning Has Broken
Songwriters: Farjeon, Eleanor; Stevens, Cat;

Morning has broken like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the world

Sweet the rains new fall, sunlit from Heaven
Like the first dewfall on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where His feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day

Morning has broken like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the world

SCAN not good

2011-06-02T22:30:00.001-04:00

I had my scan in April and it showed growth in my lower abdomen involving the lymph at the bifurcation of the Aorta...also lesions in my lungs had increased in size. The pain in my abdomen and lower back is more frequent. Most of the time it's daily, sometimes I am blessed by no pain for a day. Pain medications are a common place now. When I'm not in pain, I feel wonderful. When the pain hits, I crash and burn. Thankfully the medication helps and I've figured out the right combination to get the best results.

When I got the results in April, Dr. Kilgore (my Oncologist buddy and Pal and his wonderful Nurse Practitioner Amanda) told me that I was headed for Chemo. He reminded me that chemo is given for 3 reasons 1. to cure 2. to control pain 3. to prolong life. He told me again that Chemo would NOT cure me. That my cancer is incurable. I like to think of it as a chronic disease...

He said I could start my chemo now or wait a while longer. He said it would change me. He said it would be horrible as he is pulling out the "big guns". Although it's difficult to hear his words at times, I am deeply grateful for his honesty and true compassion.

I chose to wait and try to make it through the summer. I just started a new job with Blue Cross of TN as a field Care Coordinator. I work from home and travel to beautiful Campbell County to see my patients. This job has certainly been a blessing. I also want to enjoy my summer as it is one of my favorite times of year. I turn 54 in July and don't want to be sick and on Chemo if I can help it. So, in the meantime, I'll get scanned monthly, manage the pain and happily, thankfully, LIVE!

Today I got scanned again. It was a tearful day. I sent a text to friends and family and asked for prayer and positive energy. The response was humbling. Thank you all for reaching out to me and up to GOD on my behalf during this time. I talked back and forth with my sister Cyndi and sobbed as I listened to some beautiful Celtic music. I screamed out "I want to live! I'm not ready to die!"

When I was at my facility seeing my patients, I was blessed to meet a young woman who is a therapist who shared her Cancer journey with me. We talked and cried, we mirrored each others words, fears, blessings and experiences. We talked about how we've changed throughout our journey. How we seek love, harmony and beauty in everything we do. We talked about how we can't tolerate discord, anger and dis-harmony. We talked about how we love birthdays and how thankful we are to have wonderful loving families, friends and husbands. (Hers is her boyfriend.) We talked about how we realize that certain people come into our lives at just the right time for a purpose greater than our own understanding. Like today, when we were placed at the same place at the same time. We both needed each other at that moment. Our souls intertwined and our spirits danced. We both agreed that we wouldn't trade our journey. That when we see others afflicted with this awful disease, it breaks our hearts and, that in some twisted way, Cancer has blessed us and we are enlightened~

Daddy Time

2011-04-05T20:32:00.000-04:00

This free picture slideshow generated with Smilebox

Spring Day with Grandmommie

2011-04-05T18:21:00.000-04:00

Customize a free greeting

Intermittent pain

2011-03-28T14:38:00.000-04:00

Still having intermittent sacral and left lower abdominal pain. It worries me. I will go weeks feeling great and then all of the sudden I'm in pain for days to weeks. I get scanned again in April. Apprehensive as I always am but, thankful for the scans. They're kind of like my report card...hoping I've done well this quarter.

My grandchildren...Deanna, Kylee, Landan, Brayden and Dylan. Gee I love these little kiddo's.

I got a new job with Blue Cross as a Field Care Coordinator. I'm really excited about this new opportunity. My first day is April 4th. In the meantime, I've been enjoying my time off with Rand. I've taught a couple of medication classes for the State of TN, have spent some time on Gobbler Knob and enjoying a little bit of time with my grandkids and local children. I have to admit that I've also spent an ample amount of time snuggled on the couch with my pups. The weather has been cold except for a few days here and there. I'm ready for warm weather. Rand and I spend every good weather weekend on the knob in our new camper. (New to us anyway)

Life is wonderful and I'm looking forward with anticipation...Blessings to all~

Dr. Kilgore my Doctor friend~

2011-03-28T14:20:00.000-04:00

Dr. Larry Kilgore and Cathie

Some people grace our lives when we need them the most. Dr. Kilgore is one of those people. Talented, inteligent, graceful and caring. He is one of a kind. If you remember, Dr. Kilgore was the Oncologist in Birmingham who I was referred to by my surgeon when I was first diagnosed in September of 2007. He gave me hope when I thought I was going to die within the year. I was since blessed with him moving to Knoxville and joining the UT Cancer Center and we were once again re-united. He and his Nurse Practioner Amanda, always greet me with smiles and a sweet embrace. They listen attentively and Dr. Kilgore makes me feel that I'm the center of the universe when I am with him. He has been so patient with my constant repeated questions and my tearful concerns. He takes the time to explain in detail, encourage and never fails to make me laugh. I always leave his office uplifted and hopeful. I know he is in this fight with me. Even though his candidness is sometimes painful, he never fails to be truthful and encouraging.

Thank you Dr. Kilgore for the gifts you share with me and all your patients. I am so thankful for you and knowing you will be with me throughout this journey is a comfort and a blessing~

Acupuncture Seminar

2011-02-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

2/5/11 Headed out this morning to an acupuncture seminar...Plan to add it to my adjunct/complimentary therapies...can't wait!

Wow, the seminar was awesome. It was presented by a retired ER MD (Still young by the way, looked to be about my age) who studied and worked with a Chinese Master, graduated from Harvard, worked with the Oncology dept at Sloan Kettering...v...ery impressive credentials and experience. It also gave me the honor of mingling with other cancer survivors, it was inspiring. I didn't expect to recieve so much emotional healing. I spoke with people who were going through every stage of cancer I have been through and where I am right now. Can't wait to make an appointment with Dr. Sarcar tomorrow. Also, got some education on treatments I can do at home. I have commited to attend as many Cancer support groups as I can. I didn't realize that they offered so much to cancer patients and their caregivers. Only wish I would have done this sooner. But, I'm just now feeling like I have the physical and mental energy to do so. Now that I've resigned from my high stress job...I think I can concentrate more on me and not feel like I'm always in a knot. 2 more weeks on the job and then I begin my journey into this new phase in my life. Doing things I feel are important, living with a freedom of heart, moving at a pace that is of my choosing and reaching for the stars.

2011-01-23T11:56:00.000-05:00

I know it's been quite some time since I posted on my cancer events. Between work, the holidays and not feeling well, posting slipped down on my priority list.

Lets see, where do I begin? The ureter stent gave me nothing but trouble since the day it was placed. Terrible pain, pressure, urgency, frequency...something wasn't right but, was told by the urologist what I was feeling was normal and I would just have to deal with it. The discomfort kept getting progressively worse and soon became unbearable. I had another CT scan done the beginning of January which showed that the stent had again migrated distally and my hydronephrosis had worsened. About a week prior to the scan I began to experience pain in my left lower abdomen and lower back as well. I thought it might be referred pain, nerve pain or my bowels since I had been having to take pain medication daily. According to the CT, all area's of cancer were either stable or slightly changed but nothing showed that would alarm us. Nothing was seen in the left lower abdomen either. For that I am most grateful. I followed up with my urologist, Dr. Klein who removed the stent in his office. It was an emotional day. In reviewing the CT films, my right kidney looked much like the fist of a grown man to the fist of a small child as compared with my left kidney. I was told that my ureter was apparently fully occluded by the tumor and my kidney would eventually "shrivel up and die". Harsh words for me to hear.

I followed up with Dr. Kilgore again a couple days later. He again reminded me that my cancer is incurable. We discussed the results of the scan. No need to rush into chemo at this time. He reminded me that the chemo I am eventually facing is very harsh and will make me extremely ill. Since everything is stable, I am certainly ok with waiting. I need to keep working and living and I need to feel good for more than just a few hours at a time...know what I mean? We discussed the kidney situation and my new pain in the left lower abdomen. Thinking it could be my bowels, we decided that I would work on that for the next few days and see if there would be any improvement. I get a renal scan done the end of January. Dr. Klein said that if my kidney showed 50% or greater function we would re-stent. If not, we would let my kidney die. Not an acceptable choice for me.

I got my mag citrate, Correctol, Mira-lax and enemas and got started on a week of bowel cleansing. Still no relief from the pain. It was difficult to continue working as I just wanted to lay on the couch curled in a ball and take enough pain medication to afford me some rest. I was very tired and discouraged. Then one day...last Wednesday to be exact. I woke up and the pain was gone. It has yet to return...so odd, but not complaining.

We'll see what the plan will be after my renal scan. I want to re-visit possibly having the tumor removed with Dr. Kilgore. Every time I have asked I am given the same answer of "the risks out weigh the benefits, do you want to end up with a colostomy?" I'm not satisfied with that answer. So, I will once again ask and possibly get a second opinion. It just doesn't make sense to me to allow my kidney to die because the stupid tumor is taking up space. Why not remove the tumor which also decreases chance for recurrence in that area and save the kidney too?! Am I missing something here?

Glad for now that I'm pain free, active, happy and waiting impatiently for Spring.

Christmas 2010

2011-01-23T09:09:00.000-05:00

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Happy Thanksgiving~

2010-11-25T09:41:00.001-05:00

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Today is a good day

2010-11-10T23:05:00.002-05:00

Scan results favorable

2010-11-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

I had my follow up CT scan November 8th. Rand and I met with Dr. Kilgore at UT Cancer Specialists today. I was giddy and nervous...expecting the worse. How pleased we were to hear the words..."the lesion in your left lung has grown slightly, from 16mm to 19mm. Your abdomen is stable and so is your right lung and your kidney has improved since the stent was placed." Dr. Kilgore explained that it's possible there has been no growth depending on how the CT sliced the image. So, either way, it's not bad news. My POC at this point is to hold off on chemo. I was told that the chemo would make me sick and the results of the scan didn't warrant jumping into it at this point. He also didn't want me to be sick during the holidays. So, we will re-scan in January. Dr. Kilgore again told me that the chemo won't cure me, but will buy me time. He suggested that I "get my affairs in order, then put that behind me and live life doing things I enjoy. Continue working, get dressed up and and make myself look pretty, stay active and positive." He said that unless I become symptomatic, chemo can wait. So, I will do as he suggested. Enjoy each day, continue my adjunct therapy, try to remain positive, and laugh as much as possible. Today was a good day~

Scan approaching

2010-11-10T18:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a while...I've thought about it often but just haven't disciplined myself to sit and put my tangled thoughts together. I had the ureter stent placed a few weeks ago. The procedure wasn't so bad but the recovery pretty much sucked. Got that nice feeling back of feeling like I have to pee a gallon and only producing a drop...it's better now but still visits me now and then. Dull ache in my lower back and abdomen continues. If this is the worse to expect for the next several months I'll be home free.

Had a lovely time with my sister Cyndi and Bro-in-lw Mike when they came up to visit and help us with our home construction. We camped on the "knob" and worked on the house and garden. It was so wonderful having these two special people to spend time with and appreciate their help and companionship so much! It felt good to laugh and share. Thanks Mike and Cyndi! Our time together is treasured. We love you~

My next scan is fast approaching. November 8 is the magical day. The results will dictate my plan of care. Whether I can wait on the chemo or start it immediately. I have a sneaky suspicion I already know what the answer will be. But hey, miracles happen. My goal was to be in our home before I had to start chemo but, that's not a realistic goal I have figured out...so my new goal is to find a home worthy camper and live in it on our land. I really feel the need to be on the "knob". The comfort and pleasure of being in nature, being able to be there with my husband as he labors on our home, wake up to peaceful mornings, and settle into quiet evenings..to have the feeling of being "home".

The beauty of Autumn

2010-11-10T18:26:00.001-05:00

Memories on the Knob

2010-11-04T23:36:00.002-04:00

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Another step in my journey

2010-09-24T09:09:00.000-04:00

The Tumor Board met last Wednesday. Rand and I met with my oncologist Dr. Kilgore yesterday...his words melted my soul. "You will need to have chemo, Ifosamide, it's a very strong chemo, you'll be hospitalized for 5 days every three to four weeks for the infusion. It will make you weak and unsteady, you won't be able to walk without assistance. You'll lose your hair, you'll be in neutropenic precautions because your WBC's will be suppressed. You may have nausea and vomiting, the major complaint from patients who have had this type of chemo is weakness. I thought, "good, I can sit at my desk and continue to work if I'm weak, but if I have nausea and vomiting, well that just wouldn't work" ...before we even think about the chemo however, you need to see a Urologist for a stent to be placed because your right ureter is being compressed by your abdominal lesion and we don't want to risk losing kidney function. After you recover from that we can start the chemo. If you want, we can hold off and scan again in 2 months to check the progression of your pulmonary lesion, if it's stable you can wait a little longer, if not, I suggest we proceed with chemo at that point. I'm going to be frank with you Cathie, Chemo is given for 3 reasons, 1) to control pain 2) to prolong life and provide quality of life and 3) to cure. You are not #3, don't expect a cure. Our hope is that chemo will prolong your life and give you quality of life"

My tears ran down my cheeks uncontrolled. My heart sank into the deep black hole of despair. I searched for the silver lining...and found it, I could have been #1. There is still a glimmer of hope to embrace. I told Dr. Kilgore that I had to be strong as long as I could. We're building our house and Rand needs my help. It's just the two of us building it with intermittant help from Rands Dad and our son Corey. Long, exhausting, hot hours. It seems that trouble has been following us lately. First we had a water leak at our home to the tune of $460. Then our heat pump/AC went out to the tune of $4300.00. (We're roughing it for now) And then our vehicle bit the dust. We have to get it repaired for our trip to NC next week to welcome our two Marines home from Afghanistan. They say bad things come in 3's...well I'm on #4 now...

I'm working on staying positive...some days I just want to pack my suitcase and run away...

My steps are mine, alone

2010-09-16T22:33:00.002-04:00

Must I give you my reason to live?
Or may I sit in solitude and silent desperation?
Must I write my eulogy?
Or may I whisper sweet rhyme and poetry?
Must I live with my fear of dying?
Or may I drown my fear with laughter?
Must I take these steps alone?
Or may I walk with you on this uncertain path?

Yes, I may laugh until I break into tears
Yes, I may reach out my hand until there's no one there
Yes, I may hide behind my nonsense and whimsy
But never forgeting my journey to this moment

So, I shall tell you my reason to live,
and I shall choose how to express my life when I am gone.
I will live with my fear as it blankets me;
knowing, that in my journey my feet may faulter
And, my steps will be mine...alone

~Cathie Cardwell~

Dad's 80th Birthday

2010-09-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

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News not good

2010-09-10T21:21:00.001-04:00

I went for another Pet/CT last Tuesday 9/7/10...I removed my necklace and earings and the tech asked me if I had an underwire bra on...so off it came too. She then asked if my dress had any zippers or clasps and I told her "no, I pull it over my head." I was then given permission to leave my dress on. Slipping through the scan, feeling the warmth of the contrast engulf me from head to tippie toe I whispered..."please come back clear." I left the diagnostic center smiling and confident.

Thursday 9/9/10 I had my appointment with Dr. Kilgore. Rand was at my side and I appreciated his presence. He had been sick with a flu bug for the past few days and was still feeling weak. Dr. Kilgore pulled out the scan results from my chart and began to review them with us. Abdomen is stable and remains necrotic, right lung lesions show little change but the upper left lung lesion has grown from 6 x 8cm to an "intensly hypermetobolic" 11 x 14cm! He then told us that we were looking at systemic treatment or biological agent that we have not tried yet. One drug stops the formation of blood vessels which are what feed the cancer or maybe Chemo again. Sadness and shock hit me like a brick wall. My mind raced back to what I had told Rand when my chemo was prolonged 2 years ago. "If I am ever faced with this again, I don't think I'll choose to do chemo again." Chemo feels as I would imagine dying must feel. It sucks the life out of you, creates an unfamiliar reflection of who you think you are. I didn't feel much like talking after my appointment. Too much in my head and heart to grasp. I thought about the house we're building, how I won't be able to help like I want to and need to and possibly not even experience living in it or planting our garden or watching it all come together as we have dreamed. I thought of our working weekends at the farm and how I make sure that we have everything we need to survive our stay. Making sure we have plenty of drinks, ice, food, batteries, blankets, clean clothes etc. Or tending to the chickens and the chores of building. I think of how we stand on our site under the stars and embrace the universe or work to total exhaustion in the summer heat. I remember how chemo doesn't allow such pleasures as these. I think about how my purpose will be diminished to a mere foreign object that's of no use.

After my scan I discovered that my dress had a hidden zipper. I was excited that possibly it caused a false positive on the scan. Rand and I measured the zipper pull and it measured about 11 x 8 cm. Could there have been a miss reading? I called Dr. Kilgore today and spoke with his nurse practioner. I reported my findings and waited for her positive reply...she stated that it wasn't likely that the zipper would have caused a false positive because it wouldn't have shown any "uptake". Of course that makes sense. Guess I was just grasping at any possibility of hope.

So, at this point, my case will be presented to the "tumor board" where a group of Oncology specialists will review my results and history and formulate a recommended plan of care. This will take place on 9/22/10.

I'm still in shock and carry a sadness and despair that sits in the gut like a big black hole. I will continue to work my 9 to 5, will help my husband as much as I can and take each day as it comes. I will continue my laser light, homeopathics and magnetic therapy and try to hook up with an herbalist.

My journey continues...not in the way I had hoped but I will continue "with" hope. Possibly I failed to learn a lesson and must re-live the experience.

Never the less...I am at this place and once again humbled.

~My Walk With You~A dedication to my husband

2010-08-13T18:37:00.002-04:00

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Birthday joys

2010-07-09T07:26:00.000-04:00

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I couldn't have chosen a better way to spend my 53rd Birthday. Making memories and precious time spent with my two beautiful daughters and two youngest grandchildren...another gift I will cherish and another memory to savor...aren't blessings great?!

Birthday gifts

2010-07-06T21:04:00.000-04:00

My two beautiful daughters Tiffany and Lyndsay and precious grandkids, Kylee and Landan

I crossed another milestone this past weekend. My 53rd Birthday! My cancer journey has replaced the dread of growing old to a humbled thankfulness of being blessed with another year of life. My day was spent with my 2 daughters and 2 grandchildren at the Zoo. It was a beautiful sunny day. We laughed and ate ice cream, we played in the water mist and taught Kylee to say all the names of the animals. The kids got to milk a cow and brush a goat. This Birthday was so special to me. I felt good, I was alive, I was surrounded by 4 precious gifts. After the zoo it was a lunch treat at Cracker Barrel. The day ended too soon.

Thank you God for another year~

Later that afternoon, I met Rand out at Gobbler Knob to work on our Guniea coup and camp for the night. We released the Guniea's into the pen that afternoon. They were so happy! They stretched their wings, jumped in the air, pecked and talked and flew. I was then gifted with 5 Americana chickens! It's fun seeing our little piece of the world come together. Soon we'll start the construction of our earth bag home. I plan on living there for the rest of my life...many many years...surrounded by my family and reverting to a hippie. I figured that I would end my adulthood the way I started it! Barefoot and free~

Counting my gifts is one way of putting Cancer at bay for a moment...there's no room for it. What a blessing!

Things are looking up~

2010-07-05T08:12:00.000-04:00

Dr. Reese's plan of care helped tremendously! I am finally feeling much better. Thank you Dr. Reese for your healing hands and knowledge, for listening and, always taking such good care of me! I am so fortunate to have such an awesome physician! I know I was hyper-verbal at my visit! And had to sing you my "love my doctor" song and tell all my stories...you and your staff are so calm, patient and kind...Sorry I turned my visit into a "social event" but I was feeling so much better and my worries had gone to the wayside. I was in a celebration mode...Thanks to you!

My Dr. friend "Dr. Dennis" had a theory that the reason I couldn't "pee" was because the necrotic tumor was producing toxins which stimulated a hormone called ADH (anti-diuretic hormone). He explained it all to me on the cellular level and is much more complicated than I describe...Thank you too Dr. Dennis and Robin for your friendship, encouragement, healing and love.

I saw Dr. Kilgore on July 1st. What a treat! He remembered me and greeted me with a hug! He sat with me, pulled his stool next to my chair, held my hand and spoke with me as he looked me in the eye. He was amazed with how well I had done since my diagnosis 3 years ago. He gave me a thorough examination and accepted me back as his patient! He listened, encouraged, wrote down every detail. He is now in the process of obtaining all my records and after he reviews them I will be scheduled for a return visit and a plan of care will be established. I am so thankful that he is back in Knoxville! Dr. Kilgore is also an amazing physician. I asked him if we could just do surgery to remove the necrotic lesion in my right lower abdomen. "If it offends thee, cut it out!" He said the risks may out weigh the benefits if it is close to blood vessels. After he reviews the PET/CT he'll be able to determine if it would be a feasible option.

Thankful that things are better and that I have such a wonderful group of Doctors taking care of me. Thankful too for my wonderful husband and family who encourage and love me without faulter...

Pain continues...but it's not the Dragon!

2010-06-26T07:49:00.004-04:00

I ended up in ER twice over the past couple of weeks with relentless lower abdominal pain and pressure. I have visited my Oncologist Dr. Martin and my PCP Dr. Reese. On my second trip to ER, I was diagnosed with cystitis and started on antibiotics. I had symptoms of a UTI with urgency, frequency and pain. It was horrible. I was given Cipro and improved somewhat over the next several days but not back to normal by any means. I've been having a rough time for about the past month. According to the scans, the cancer has not exacerbated thank God! But, alot of terrible lower abdominal pain and discomfort continues. My PCP thinks it may be an infection around my necrotic tumor and is doubtful I even had cystitis. On Flagyl right now and go back to my Doc Tuesday. As of today, I am not having to take as many pain medications. I slept well last night without medication and I didn't wake up at 4 AM in pain. I hope that's a good sign! I have an appt. with another oncologist, Dr. Kilgore(the first one I saw in Birmingham after my diagnois)He is now in Knoxville at UT Hospital. Appt. is July 1. I'm gonna ask to have surgery to cut out the dang thing! I was told by my other Oncologist that it was too risky because of it's location to my bowel. I think I'm willing to take my chances. We think the pain could possibly be the tumor cells liasing and putting out toxins. Thats what my physician "friend" tells me. He's so dang smart! He tries to explain everything to me on the cellular level and I sit there trying to absorb it all and looking like a deer in headlights. I hope he's right. I have faith that he is. When he explains it, it all makes sense. If that's the case, the pain is worth the gain!

I continue with my laser light, magnetic, and alkaline adjunct therapy's. I honestly believe that they are what has kept the dragon at bay. Dr. Dennis, my physician friend, made me some alkaline water. It is sooo yummy! I can't believe the difference in the taste! I crave it!

Well, I popped my pain medication and am now headed out to Gobbler Knob to help Rand and my Paw-in-law with some projects. They're building our condo coup for our Guinny's. (I'm sure I didn't spell that right) Having our new land and the projects involved has been a wonderful experience and we're looking forward to making it our home soon! Please visit Gobblerknob.com and become a follower. You'll be able to follow our progress as we build our "Earth bag home" Too exciting!

Blessings, Hope and Peace to all~

Fear sets in once again...

2010-06-08T09:27:00.000-04:00

Hopefully that's all it is...fear. I've been having deep pelvic discomfort and pressure which has now turned into pain. It has gotten progressivly worse over the last month. Yesterday I had to leave work and this morning the pain woke me at 4 AM. I called Dr. Martin's office and spoke with the RN Rhonda and told her that I was contemplating going to ER. My next scan isn't until July 7th. I told Rhonda that I'm hoping that I can just go get scanned today. Don't really want to do the ER thing or sit for hours in the Dr's office. I'm waiting now to hear back from Rhonda. Spent most of the morning on the couch in tears of fear...

The past couple weekends we camped on our land. Nice and peaceful. Only draw back is that you can't stay clean and camping is pretty much like work. Rand set up a blog to document our progress. My fear is that I will never see our dream materialize. That fear again...

Got to spend some time with my older 2 grandchildren and son Corey when we camped. I was hoping to see the other 3 little ones and my daughter Tiffany too but things just didn't work out. I miss them. Kylee has learned a new word..."redicoolas" (spelled like she says it)I have enjoyed keeping up with them on their facebook page and thankful for at least that. Have been keeping up with daughter Lyndsay in NC. She got moved into her new home and from the pictures, is very cute and cozy. I know she wishes her hubby was home from Afghanistan as does our daugher in law Catie. We lift them up daily and pray for their safe return.

It's been hard to work lately. Just have my mind and heart in different places. Wishing we were already on the land in our new home and living like hippies surrounded by our kids,grandkids and family. That's how I want to spend the rest of my days. On the mountain. Not sitting at a desk or dealing with staffing, regulations and crap. Free and detatched from society.

I'm sitting here waiting on my call back from Dr. Martin's office and writing my blog when Rand calls me urgently to the deck. I hurry to see what he wants and there is a 400 lb. black bear walking leisurely through our back yard! Our dogs are going crazy! Rand called the TN Wildlife and they told him they had gotten alot of calls about the bear this morning. I tried to get a picture but wasn't quick enough. What excitement!

Easter 2010 Another Thankful Day!

2010-04-06T08:36:00.002-04:00

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Scan Results...Yipee!

2010-04-02T08:35:00.001-04:00

Thank you God, Thank you family, Thank you friends! My scan came back stable! My abdominal lesion is now 4.2. Anything 5 or greater is considered to be suspected cancer. It still glowed on the scan but continues to show improvement. The lesions in my lungs didn't glow at all! I am blessed. I'll get scanned again in July and October. If I continue to show positive results, we will titrate my scans to every 4 to 6 months for the next year.

I truly believe that my results are a product of the combination of everything I've been doing to eraticate this awful disease. God, love of family and friends, positive attitude, Laser therapy, magnetic therapy, homeopathics, supplements, Alkaline diet and the refusal to accept anything less than life!

What a wonderful way to begin Spring...life is new, hope is once again re-born!

May the peace of our God, the love of one-another, and the hope of a bright tomorrow be with you always~

2010-03-30T22:05:00.001-04:00

Had my PET/CT today...will get the results on Thursday. I was on my facebook page and got an invitation to join a group honoring High School friends who have since lost their lives. Reading the list of old friends who are no longer walking this earth saddens me. I wonder why I am still given the opportunity to fight and they are not. What is one's purpose? Why have I been chosen to live another 3 years since my diagnosis? I know that I am blessed. Gathering blessings of each new day and blanketing myself, emersed in the hope of years ahead to continue in my journey. To share in the love of my husband, children and family. Music in my heart, sun in my face, earth beneath my feet...I pick up a basket of pansies, purple and blue, delicate and lovely...walking on the mountain of my dreams, naked and unafraid. Glancing down I follow my own footsteps, one by one, making the journey to the hill in the distance. Continuing toward the light of the sun. Standing in the midst of God's creation I sigh and gently pluck the pedals of each flower, I sprinkle them around me. Thank you my Lord for this moment.

Approaching next scan

2010-03-27T00:41:00.000-04:00

The above painting was created by Rotina Shepherd who was the wife of a friend and fellow Oathkeeper David Shepherd. Rotina lost her battle with Cancer in 2007. She was only 45 yrs old. Rotina was an artist and David shared with Rand that this painting which she named "Three Sisters" was her last painting prior to succombing to Cancer.

Rand had taken a trip to Jonesboro and visited with David while there. During his visit, David presented Rand with this beautiful painting and asked Rand to give it to me. The gesture so touched me and I cherish this special gift. Thank you David for sharing Rotina's story and gifted artistry.

My next scan is March 30th, 2010. I approach it with anticipation and am hopeful that it will show that my abdominal tumor is continueing to show regression and no additional tumors are found. I continue to eat an 80% Alkaline diet, take my supplements, homeopathics, magnetic therapy and laser light therapy.

I try diligently to stay positive and find joy, thankfulness and purpose in every day. Yes, the fear is always there but I keep it tucked inside, in my alone place.

As I approach my next scan, I want to acknowledge friends who are also fighting their own cancer dragon. Michelle, Jan, Ginger's Dad...I lift you all and pray for your complete healing. You are not alone. We are bound as the "Three Sisters" in Rotina's art. A tie that has bound us as family.

May your hearts be not weary, may the sun's warmth blanket you, may you continue to radiate your light to those around you and know that you have purpose in this world. May hope and faith fill your hearts and love embrace you~

Our Marines take flight

2010-03-11T23:40:00.002-05:00

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Radiation Graduation

2010-01-29T00:13:00.000-05:00

Radiation complete. Mixed emotions. Another safety blanket taken away. Don't feel like celebrating. Just feel an empty calm. It's hard to explain. Not re-assured but not afraid either. Not happy and not sad. Just somewhere in the middle.

I want to acknowledge the staff at St. Mary's Cancer Center. What an awesome group! Christy the nurse, the ladies at the reception desk Kathy and Ramona, Dr. Bopanna and my therapists Clint, Jennifer and Crystal. Thank you all for making this experience a positive one. For your friendship and comforting caring ways. You're the best! See you on Feb 18th for my follow up...

Scan Results

2010-01-21T20:14:00.001-05:00

Today was a blessed day.

Rand and I went to my radiation appointment and met with Dr. Bopanna. He opened the conversation by saying that my lesion had not shrunk. I gasped and fixing my eyes on his he continued..."however, the tumor has changed in density and there is fluid noted." What does that mean? "It means that it is responding to the radiation. LMS is a unique cancer unlike any other. It is not typically one that would be filled with fluid because it is in the muscle. Think of it like sqeezing an orange and the fluid coming out. LMS is more compound. You can't squeeze the fluid out." I asked...what if it bursts and the fluid spreads? "Since it is in the muscle it has a tough outer core so the fluid remains contained."

So, the plan is to continue with 10 more treatments but with a modified radiation prescription which includes new angles and larger margins. Then, one month after the completion of the radiation I will have another PET/CT. Dr. Bopanna will then re-evaluate and converse with Dr. Martin to determine the continued treatment plan. Whether I will need surgery, additional radiation or chemo.

The staff at Mercy Cancer Center is fantastic. Always kind, personable, knowledgeable and patient.

I will continue in the meantime with my supplements and the Alkaline diet. I have to admit that some days are challanging. Trying to be faithful to the diet and taking a handful of supplements. I have also started a homeopathic regimine. 3 weeks into it at this point. I visit my chiropratic friend weekly for magnetic therapy and lazer light. I was also blessed with a massage that is heavenly.

The story continues...hopefully, the ending a happy one.

A Blessing~Merry Christmas!

2009-12-19T11:18:00.001-05:00

Alternative Treatment

2009-12-08T19:47:00.007-05:00

We have met some wonderful people along the way. We also cherish the friendships of people who knew us before our cancer journey. Rand and I want to say thank you to all of you. I have many times overheard telephone conversations shared with Rand and hearing Rand say "she is doing well, another stepping stone, she started her radiation today." We have daily been embraced with the love of friends and family. Words not always need be spoken. The soul speaks louder than any words spoken. I thank you for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement and friendship.

I want to acknowledge some dear friends that have stratically crossed our path.
Dr. Dennis and Robin Jones. They have taught me that hope is real. That we don't need to settle for the popular or most medical approach to treatment but that alternative treatments enhance, heal and give hope.

Rand and I have begun a new approach to well being. Magnetic therapy, laser light therapy, counciling, nutritional supplements and, an alkaline diet. It has been fun shopping for what we refer to as "bird seed" and eating greens and beans. We both agree that we feel better and losing weight is a wonderful side effect. I am taking daily dietary supplements. Sometimes a little hard to swallow. There are so many. But, each one very carefully chosen for me per my medical profile. Dr. Dennis has also been providing laser light therapy, magnetic therapy and chiropractic intervention.

Thank you Dennis and Robin for your friendship, expertise and sharing wings and beer...no they are not a part of the alkaline diet but every body needs a break every now and then...

Radiation treatments begin

2009-12-08T18:37:00.012-05:00

My scan markings and my faithful pups who always bring me mommie joy when I get home. You can see my original hysterectomy scar when my journey began in September of '07. Notice how the marking on my abdomen in the first picture is also a cross. I claim my healing. Text messages from my daughters, knowing that their hearts are with me. The companionship of my husband and in-laws Bill and Sandy, the prayers of my parents, sisters and family and the question from my grand daughter, Grandmommie are you going to lose your hair again? I am blessed.

12/8/09

My first radiation treatment. I received my first markings last week and my final markings yesterday. Standing in front of the mirror I inspect the X's so strategically placed. Reality staring back at me as it has so many times before. I look so normal except for the X's. I inspect myself from head to toe. I try to identify anything that is not me.

I arrive at my appointment at St. Mary's North. A beautiful facility, the staff kind and patient. I am digging in my purse for nothing, rearranging receipts, husband at my side, feeling giddy and soulfully unsure. Mrs. Cardwell? Yes? I am escorted to the radiation room. On the way I am shown the area that the therapist will be in and reassured that even though I am in the radiation room alone during my treatment, I am not alone. They are here. They can see me and hear me on the monitors. The therapist walks me to the radiation room. He carefully explains every detail of my approaching journey. I see my scan on the monitor and ask if we can approach it. I ask questions, are these my hip bones, is that my ileum? Is that the tumor? The location of the tumor is a question for Dr. Boppana I am told.

I am assisted to the table and asked to pull my clothes down to thigh level. A towel is provided for privacy and I am assisted to a lying position. I am again instructed to lie still. If I need to cough or sneeze to do so straight into the air and not try to turn my head or cover my mouth. I am given a blue rubber donut to grasp over my breast so my arms stay still and my feet are secured with a wedge and big rubber band to keep them in alignment. My head is placed on a wedge and I am asked if I am comfortable. I am not allowed to move so, if any adjustments need to be made it needs to happen now. I wiggle into my most comfortable position and then am told that I will be repositioned in millimeters by the therapist and I am not to try to assist. I stare at the red lazer in front of me creeping out from the wall like some syfy movie. I can see the red lazers to my right and left in my peripheral vision. I want to turn my head to look but don't. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as a warm moist tear trickles down the side of my face. Don't cry, it could be worse, it could be chemo.

Lying quietly and still on the scan table my mind wanders...I think of Farrah Faucett and the video I saw of her making the sign of the cross as she entered her own scan. In my mind, my cross is made. I am living her moment as my own. I think of my current experience and reminisce my journey to this point. Surreal, as if I am a character in a black and white silent movie. I want to scream but no one can hear me. Only the subtitle at the bottom of the page depicting my words. Detached, playing the part I have been given and needing to stay in character. My stage, my performance, my life. Hoping again for many more years of life. Refusing anything less.

The huge machine makes it's sounds and encircles me. This cold, unfamiliar machine is now my friend. I smile and drift off to sleep as the clicking and mechanical sounds continue like a lullaby. Before I know it I am awakened by a soft voice saying, we're done. Now that wasn't so bad was it?

The Dragon Returns

2009-11-19T19:54:00.006-05:00

THE INTERLOCKED HANDS OF MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTERS

11/18/09 My appointment with Dr. Martin. Rand picks me up from work and I am surprised to be greeted by my Father and Mother in law as we enter the hospital. I ask them jokingly...are you here for the reading of the will? Deep inside I know it will be reality one day. Hopefully long after I expect it though. I'm anxious, knowing the news about to be spoken but dreading the words I must hear. Again, my mother and law and I make light, act silly, giggle and hug. Our way of dealing with the flood of emotion. I initiate conversation with anyone within hearing distance. Hyper verbal and trying to focus on someone else and their story.

We are escorted back to the conference room. Wait...wait...wait...clock ticking toward the inevitable. Let's get this over with. Flipping through magazines, joking with each other, telling jokes and stories. My father in law states that his lips are getting numb. Being a diabetic it is his cardinal sign that his sugar is low. I hop up and summons the nurse for a couple pieces of hard candy and jokingly feel his lips to check if they are still numb. I then administer the piece of candy as if it were medication. I love to aggravate my father in law. He acts like I annoy him but mom says he loves it. I enjoy taking my mind off of myself.

Dr. Martin enters the room in his starched white. Greetings and handshakes are exchanged. He sits, opens my chart and begins to speak. I want to cover my ears. I have already played the words in my mind a hundred times. "The lesion is Leiomyosarcoma. Double in size since my scan in July. It was 2.3 cm and now is 4.6cm." I don't cry. I just listen and keep focused on Dr. Martin's eyes. Trying to capture anything unsaid and see through his eyes, words unspoken. Rand asks if surgery is an option. "No, the risks out weigh the benefits. We would be asking for more trouble" Radiation is recommended with possible chemo given at the same time. 5 weeks of radiation 5 days per week. He talks of how it has not been proven that the combination would benefit but in theory it is felt it could potentiate the effects of the radiation. In my head I am screaming "No!" But my face remains a mere mask of emotionless stare. He talks about how radiation has improved over the last 7 years. How surrounding tissues and organs are spared the ill effects. How they can pinpoint the area with great precision.

I tell him of my latest venture with the holistic approach and ask his opinion. He states that he has no knowledge of unconventional treatment but that if it makes me feel like it is helping and helps to ease my mind he has no objections. Then he proceeds to tell me of a patient he had that chose to go to a "witch doctor" and in three months he killed her liver and she died. His response was disheartening. I know however that physicians are not allowed to offer or openly support alternative treatments. I knew he was presenting to me no choice other than his own area of expertise. I quickly reminded myself that I do have a choice in my treatment plan and I was going to stay on my chosen path. I told him that I would not do chemo but would consider radiation and I would be in favor of a consultation. His office would set up an appointment for me at the hospital of my choice.

We gathered our belongings and a copy of my biopsy report. As we left the room I was flooded by my nurse friends asking...what are you going to do? I briefly told them of my plan. Eyes wide open and faces of disbelief they hug me and wish me well. I have grown to love the staff in Dr. Martins office. They have become my friends.

As we leave the office my mother in law hugs me and tells me she loves me. When we exit the building she takes my hand and squeezes it. At that moment the feeling of mothers love consumed me. As I was holding her hand I was also holding the hand of my own dear mother. I felt the love of my family near and far. I love and am loved. That is the greatest gift.

The four of us go to lunch. I text my two daughters on the way to tell them of the results. Lyndsay and I begin exchanging texts and suddenly it hits me. I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and cry.

And the beat goes on...

2009-11-19T06:28:00.013-05:00

Ok, lets get things into perspective here Catrinka. Gather my thoughts and try to make sense of it all...

My PET/CT went as usual. NPO after midnight, scan in the morning, accompanied by Rand to the diagnostic center I am escorted to the treatment area. I consumed the isotope yummy milk shake (really they're kinda good) the night prior and was presented with another bottle (coffee mocha) and an IV upon arrival. I sit in the thrown with a heated blanket presented by my male nurse full of gab and enough silliness to ease my painful thoughts. He is also the best IV starter in the whole wide world. He tells me to 1-2-3 cough and in goes the needle when I cough. The needle goes in fast and painless. A little trick he learned when he used to start IV's on children. I at this moment feel child like. I am presented with a stack of magazines. I choose my magazine with great discretion. "Home and Garden" has a nice connotation doesn't it? One of my dreams before I leave this earth is to live in the country with mountains surrounding, bumble bee's and honeysuckle and a big garden to nurture and play in. Get my hands immersed in Gods soil and consume the healthy God given fruit of the earth. I thumb through the pages precariously, trying not to absorb myself in this de ja vue. The tech comes in to inject me with the the radioactive cocktail and I drift to sleep. I am to wait an hour and then have the scan. I am awakened by the tech telling me it's time...gee whiz, I had just started dreaming. I was planting my garden on a warm sunny spring day. Our dogs were playing and the birds were fluttering and singing. Rand was beside me and we were laughing as I held the soil in my hands and watched it's richness slide through my fingers. I am then escorted to the bathroom to empty my bladder and then to the PET/CT scan. This is all too familiar. I don't cry like I used to, don't get anxious. Just lay silent and still in hope and prayer. I am shivering and another heated blanket is laid caringly over me. I am again injected with dye. I feel the warmth of the dye consume me from my perineum to my tippy toes and then my arms and face get a rush of warmth. It feels warmer this time, like grandmothers quilt consuming me from the inside out. After about 40 minutes of scanning I am assisted off the table, gather my requested copy of the scan and Rand and I are on our way for breakfast. We are both starving.

I have an appointment scheduled with Dr. Martin on Nov 18th at which time I will get my results. Several days later I get a call from Dr. Martin...there is an area in my right lower pelvis that reacted. We have been watching an area that up to this point was felt to be scar tissue from my hysterectomy. But, I already know what his words mean. If it reacted, it's cancer. He wants me to have a biopsy. I am scheduled for the following Monday which is 2 days before my appointment.

NPO after midnight again...I arrive at the hospital as scheduled. Rand and my in-laws are with me. My mother in law and I giggle and act silly. Both of us trying to hide the fear. I get my blood drawn and then am taken to CT for the CT guided fine needle biopsy. Sounds fancy schmancy doesn't it? I undress and don my cotton hospital gown and walk to the scan holding the backside together to cover my rump. I climb onto the scan table and notice that my socks are inside out. Heavens to Betsy...I quickly fix them as the tech laughs at me and then I am told to lay on my stomach. I remind the tech that I am here for an abdominal biopsy and am shocked by the posterior approach. I am told that it is safer from the "rear" as one doesn't have to worry about injury to the bowels. How can you biopsy a pelvic lesion through the gluteus? The physician presents himself, he is very kind and remembers me from the lung biopsy. Dr. Goodwin explains the reason for the procedure and I state boldly that Chemo will be out of the question. He asks if I want him to proceed since I have chosen not to have chemo. I tell him yes and that having a definitive diagnosis is important in my treatment decisions. We then proceed. A needle as big around as a garden hose and as long as the flag pole on the white house lawn lies waiting on the sterile tray beside me. I close my eyes to hold back the tears. I am again adorned with an IV and given something to calm my nerves. Next thing I know I have a sharp pain radiating down my leg which I am told is the nerve that the needle is close to. The lab is standing by to receive the specimen and it's over before I know it. Wasn't so bad. Not as bad as the lung biopsy.

I visit my friend and Holistic/homeopathic chiropractic physician that evening. He does a cervical adjustment, counseling and magnetic therapy. I told him that all my faith is in his gift of healing...he reminds me that he is not an oncologist but he will help me the best ways he knows how. He will help to make sure my cells are healthy and I am at a state of homeostasis so I will have the loaded guns to fight my cancer. He tells me "this is war". I am now on a daily regimen of about 15 different supplements that were strategically chosen for me by a very complex and integrated program founded by a group of physicians from oncologists to chemists, chiropractors, researchers and such. The program goes under the name of "Egrets". My supplements were chosen for me as a result of my medical profile. I have been on them for about 5 days at the time of this writing and am beginning to experience the positive benefits. I feel more grounded, more energy, less anxious, inner confidence and vigor. Some of the recommended supplements I am unable to take because of the coumadin I am on. I have that darn history of a pulmonary embolism (chemo induced by the way)and was told coumadin would be my friend for life. I don't think I will accept that. One of my goals is to exchange my coumadin for a natural supplement so I can benefit from every supplement that is recommended. I have stopped taking all of the pharmaceuticals but Coumadin at this point.(My choice by the way) Dr. Dennis and his wife Robin have become dear friends and avid supporters in my fight. I am not only blessed with a knowledgeable caring physician but also of 2 very dear friends which I feel is the greatest blessing.

The plan at this point is dietary supplements, Alkaline diet, magnetic therapy, laser light therapy, physical adjustments, counseling and finding my chi.

I welcome you to travel with me as I faithfully and confidently walk my path to recovery.

Our Oathkeepers Adventures

2009-10-31T18:03:00.001-04:00

Find more photos like this on Oath Keepers

Our North Carolina Trip

2009-10-27T19:32:00.000-04:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Our trip to visit Aunt Lyndsay

2009-10-26T20:58:00.000-04:00

Make a Smilebox postcard

Cancer Spilled Emotion

2009-09-20T21:29:00.003-04:00

Cancer spilled emotion
blankets me from head to toe
I pretend it's non existing
but reality tells me otherwise

Cancer spilled emotion
provokes a lonliness untouchable
I watch the world around me carry on
As it will when I am gone

Treatment decision

2009-09-20T21:09:00.004-04:00

I saw my Oncologist and my treatment plan was discussed. I could opt to go ahead with chemo again to zap any unseen floaters...the thought of chemo again so soon is unsettling. I am working full time, just had my hair highlighted, progressing through my chemo recovery and feeling like I'm getting my life back to some extent. Now this! After discussion, we decided to watch and wait. I will get scanned again in October and hopefully be NED. LMS has a high recurrence rate so I expect to have the dragon knocking at my door again. The mets to my lung was enough for me to deal with right now. I think if I have another recurrence I may head to MD Anderson in Texas where there are Sarcoma specialists. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it though. I just take every day as it comes. Hope for the best and continue to fight depression. I started an antidepressant 2 weeks ago. The only thing that I can tell at this point is that I yawn a lot and don't cry everyday like I had been. I was doing really well keeping my tears at bay until this morning...

Oathkeepers 9/12 Rally in Nashville TN

2009-09-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

A Wedding Day shared~

2009-09-02T13:19:00.002-04:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

Surgery behind me

2009-08-30T10:42:00.007-04:00

Well, I got through my surgery which was done on the 20th. I was discharged on the 3rd day and had to be re-hospitalized on day 6 for a fever of 103.7, gee it reminded me of the good ol chemo days when I kept having to be admitted for "fever of unknown origin." A few times it got up to 104. Never could figure out where it was coming from. My tests were always negative as they were this time. when I got home I spent a lot of time on the couch with our little dog Jazzy and our two big dogs Max and Josie curled on the floor next to me. I watched old black and white movies and slept alot. The slow bounce back from surgery wasn't as I had planned...I should have learned by now that even the best layed plans are meant to be broken....By the way...chest tubes suck. And that tape that stays stuck to your body for years thats like peeling off sticky boogies...well I am still finding stickies.

I got out of the house for the first time yesterday which felt really good. Planned to go yard sale-ing but ended up at K-mart who was having a sale. The day before I spent the whole day cleaning and organizing the house. I hadn't realized how much had not been done since I went back to work almost a year ago. I believe I am on the mend.

Sometimes I feel like I could have gone through chemo for nothing because of the recurrence. But, I keep telling myself that if I hadn't, things may have been worse. We will never actually ever know what positive effects it has had. Boy can we count the negative effects though!

I have a friend who just finished her chemo for ULMS. I am confident that she will remain NED. I CONGRATULATE her on completing her chemo!!!!!!!!! I remember how I had mixed emotions when I stopped mine. It's wierd but even though it sucks and makes you sick and ugly and you know it's poison, it kinda becomes a security blanket too and you think, as long as I am taking chemo the cancer won't come back. It's wierd I know. But, I'm sure whomever has gone through chemo would understand what I am saying.

I will see my onocologist next week and find out about the pathology of my lung mets. Whether it was hormone receptive or not. Again, mixed emotions. I kinda hope in a way that it is not hormone receptive because if it is that means that my hormone blocker wasn't working. But, then on the other hand if it is not, does that mean it will keep popping up? I will also find out if I have to go through chemo again. I know I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Cancer so changes you and every aspect of your life. Every decision, every plan, every sunrise or sunset, everything you eat or drink, the music you listen to, the movies you choose...all effected by the cancer journey.

I try to stay up beat but in all honesty, its a daily struggle. Depression is beginning to take its grip and i am at the point of asking for medication to help me. Sometimes the emotion is uncontrollable. You know what I mean?

I want to thank my sister Janis for sending me this wonderful U-tube Do-Re-Mi video. I wept as I watched it. I think partially because it reminded me of my childhood and also going to see the Sound of Music with my family as a child. Another way it touched me is that it is an example of how, when we reach beyond ourselves and share happiness, music, dance, a little of ourselves, taking a chance to step outside of ourselves, take a chance to be whimsical and joyful without reserve of how we look to others, just being in the moment and expressing life....we become a magnet for others to experience joy. (Notice how the by-standers become obsorbed in the experience)

ENJOY!

Surgery Scheduled

2009-08-13T18:33:00.007-04:00

Dr. Maggart who is a cardiovascular surgeon, comes highly recommended. A tall, strong, kind, gesturing physician who speaks slow, methodically, easy to understand and looks you in the eye. I realize that he has had this conversation thousands of times, but I feel uniquely as if I am the first. He explains that having surgery is a no brainer. "Go in, get it out and be done" He plans to do VATS (Video assisted thoracic surgery)which is much like laproscopic surgery. Rather non invasive but major just the same. He tells me that if he is unable to get to the tumor (as it is in a precarious position) he will then be prepared to do a thorocotomy. This would involve an incision in the back, exposing and separating the ribs to get to the tumor. He plans to excise with clear margins and in the process will sacrifice a portion of my lung. He said I should expect to be short of breath but should do ok. He also said that since I didn't have any co-morbidity's before cancer that it in itself would be in my favor. Yeah, a plus...what a ya think about that?

Surgery is scheduled for Thursday August 20th at 7:30 at Baptist Hospital West. I will arrive at 5:30 AM and be in the hospital for at least a week. I was told by Dr. Maggart's nurse that I should expect at least a month for recovery. I haven't been at my present job for a year yet but my employer has been so gracious to let me pull from my vacation time to help cover my absence.

Ok, this all sucks, but it is what it is and I will go through the experience and hopefully come out on the other end stronger and more wise. Another lesson...

(The pic is of me and my Aunt Becky in the fall of 2007 after first being diagnosed with LMS)

Biopsy Results

2009-07-26T14:58:00.002-04:00

July 27, 2009 - 8:30 AM Nervous and tearful this morning. I get ready for my appointment with anticipation. On our way, Rand takes my hand and offers encouragemnt, re-assuring me that no matter what, he tells me "we will get through this and everything is going to be ok, I know you're scared" as he kisses my hand. I believe him...I hang on his every word.

We arrive at my appointment and as we sit in the waiting room, I rummage through magazines. I beleive I have read all of them at least twice in all of my visits with Dr. Martin. As I am sitting there I catch the site of someone familiar in my peripheral vision. The next thing I know she is approaching me and saying my name with arms outstretched toward me. "Cathie?" Oh my gosh, I can't believe it! I had not spoken to her (Name omitted to protect privacy) in months. Our girls went to school together and were best friends. When I was going through treatment I got a call from my daughter that her friends mother had been diagnosed with ULMS too and was facing surgery. I wanted to reach out to her, to encourage her, to let her know what to expect, to be a resource. She had always been very private and I didn't want to intrude but, in the same respect I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. That I understood what she was going through. So, I emailed her. Weeks went by before I got a response. And at that moment we bonded in our journey. An email every now and then. Just enough to maintain that needed connection. She sat down and we talked about our side effects, emotions, uncertainty. Everything that she shared with me was exactly what I went through. Our journeys were mirrored. It was so wonderful to see her. And, to once again share.

Finally, my name was called and Rand and I were escorted back to the exam room. Dr. Martin entered soon after with my chart in tow. He explained that the Biopsy revealed a metastatic lesion. LMS had made it's way to my right lung. Tears fill my eyes and Rands arm gently wraps my shoulder. My options are to leave it alone or excise. Of course I choose to excise. Dr. Martin refers me to a pulmonologist, Dr. Maggart. My appointment is set for August 11th, Rands Birthday.

I don't feel the despair that I felt before...mostly just pissed off and afraid. This wasn't in my plan. I've got other things to do.

Biopsy

2009-07-24T06:58:00.000-04:00

7/17/09 Here I am again...diagnostic testing...de'javu. CT guided lung biopsy day, yeah! I go through the routine of registering at the "frequent flyer" desk. Same old questions and paper work...I suggest that the women doing my registry just shred the HIPPA form...I understand my privacy rights all too well. The familiar white paper bracelet that identifies me is gently applied to my left wrist. Then Rand and I walk hand in hand to X Ray. I sit waiting, flighty, jovial, making light of everything, flipping through magazines hap-hazardly, scared to death. Is it going to hurt? My inlaws show up and we joke back and forth about crazy stuff. What will they find? I dread what is about to happen to me. But, keep smiling to hide the fear. We are called back and I ask Rand to accompany me to the CT scan. The nurse goes over the procedure with us. Rand and I ask a couple of questions. The risks are explained and I am asked to dis-robe and don my lovely hospital frock. I ask for non skid socks...I left my socks in the car darn-it. For some reason socks make me feel more secure. Like it connects the top with the bottom and makes me complete. It's funny how you focus on little things like that when you are falling apart.

I am assisted to the CT scan, my IV is placed. "I have good veins" I announce. That is one thing I was blessed with. The nurse attempts the right antecubital, ouch! It usually doesn't hurt that bad. She tries again, crap! I start to cry. To the left to try...again, no luck and it hurts terribly. I am perplexed that she was unable to get my IV placed. She calls for another nurse and he gets it the first try with just a tinge of discomfort. Thank goodness. Now on to the next challenge.

I am asked to lay on my stomach. I am stratically positioned with my head toward the left and my arm over my head. I go through CT and a few pictures are taken and my arm readjusted. I am told that I cannot move from now on as the nurse is marking the location on my skin for the doctor. My arm keeps slipping and I finally ask the nurse to tape my arm to the pillow. I don't want to do anything to screw this up.

In walks Dr. Goodwin. He introduces himself and explains the procedure then we get started at numbing the area. It causes just a tinge of pain but nothing too bad. The procedure begins with Dr. Goodwin advancing the long needle throught the designated spot. He has diffuculty because my scapula and a rib is in the way. It becomes very painful and I begin to cry. Feeling lost, afraid and hurting. I am given something for pain and anxiety through my IV. I didn't expect it to hurt like this. The last time it didn't. But thats ok, just get a good sample. The lab standing by with their little rolling cart to recieve the specimans for slides. I feel like I am Mrs. Frankestien laying there with all the gloved and masked people with their carts and tools around me. Dr. Goodwin continues his work, retrieving sample after sample, continued pain and discomfort, a sound that I relate to of scissors snapping, "oh, there's a good sample" he announces. "Well by golly it better be" I think.

Finally, I am told that the needle is out. I am relieved but it is short lived by sudden pain radiating from my scapula to what feels like my iliac crest. I am short of breath and I ask, "is it normal for me to be feeling this, I can't breathe and am having acute and sudden pain?" Dr. Goodwin asks the nurse to again give me something for pain and anxiety, he then proceeds to re-inflate my lung and the pain subsides...I can breathe easy again.

The procedure lasted about an hour I believe. The staff was kind. The nurse even wiped my snotty nose for me as I lay there crying. She would talk to me to try to get me to focus on something other than the moment. Didn't work though. It means so much to a patient who is afraid for staff to offer kindness, gentleness and patience. Thank you Baptist Hospital West radiology and Dr. Goodwin for helping me through this challenging and frightening experience.

I am assisted off the CT and onto a gourney and rolled to recovery where I am met by my husband and in-laws. Only one person can remain...poo! My in-laws leave and Rand stays by my side. I am given some lunch, my vitals monitored and released home in an hour.

Glad thats over...now the tick tock of waiting for results once again.

Scan results

2009-07-16T07:25:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, July 8, 2009 at 8:40 AM: Appointment with Dr. Martin. Accompanied by Rand and daughter Lyndsay. Got there on time for once. I signed in at 8:30 AM. It was only about 15 minutes before they called us back then, a 2 hour wait. Waiting drives me insane. I think I have read every magazine at least twice. Things I'm not even interested in like People Magazine. Yuk. Dr. Martin was held up in surgery. Candy the nurse was in and out, getting my vitals, asking the routine questions, drawing my PT/INR, poking her head in every now and then to say..."sorry for the wait" I always enjoy the interaction with the staff. Everyone sweet, encouraging and helpful. Finally..."Ms. Cardwell?" Dr. Martins familiar voice as he opens the door. Reaching out, he shakes our hands...chart in tow...now, "the reading of the will" as I refer to it. After discussion, results are...Interval increase in size of right lower lobe lung nodule. This measures a maximum of 1.6 cm as compared to 7 mm on previous scan on 2/25/09. The intensity of activity on PET is low at only 1.25.(Dr. Martin says that a 12 would be indicative of Cancer and he is encouraged by the low reading) However, the interval increase in size is worrisome per the radiologist.

Ok, we got it...some relief, actually a great bit of relief because I knew I was "eat up" by cancer...Every ache, pain or tinge is METS. I can deal with the nodule. Plan of care is discussed and we decided to biopsy. To be proactive and aggressive is important. Dr. Martin agrees and the biopsy is arranged for 2 weeks out. First available is Friday July 17th. 90% better in fear factor. Group hug, tears and sighs of relief. We rejoice that it isn't as bad as I had anticipated. Blessed once again.

My inlaws are waiting in the lobby when we exit. My mother in law hugs and kisses me repeatedly. We then go to breakfast at Cracker Barrel and I head to work. Smiling....

PET/CT Pending....My life hanging in my hope...A Birthday wish

2009-07-07T22:24:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while. Life going on, work, love, family, laughter, fear, hope...a moment in time that I am savoring...each morsel at a time. Holding in my hand the sweetness of each new day. Time with my husband, my daughters, my sons...my grandchildren, yearning to make a memory that they will hold of their wife, mother and grandmommie. I went to my oncologist a few weeks ago. Everything was good with the physical exam...a routine chest x ray was ordered. I chatted with the staff, laughed and shared life. I told Dr. Martin that I wanted to get the chest x ray that day. No reason to delay. Just another routine of post chemo...I have been clean thus far, no reason to worry.

I happily went to the x ray lab, I have it down pat. When they ask me to remove my necklace that my husband gave me for my 50th birthday, I just chant back, "I'll just hold it out of the way in my mouth for the x ray..." I don't want to remove it...It gives me strength. The tech complies. She then say's to remove my bra...that too I have mastered. Just pull it down around my waist. She again confirms that it is ok and I say "Thank you"...In confidence. 1-2-3 hold your breath, the machine makes that oh so familiar noise. Ok, turn to the left and lift your hands over your head, hold your breath, again the clicking of the machine. I think...take a good picture now. I then am escorted out and to the car I go, feeling fearly confident...does that make sense? The fear never leaves, the confidence always urging me on.

I get a call from Dr. Martins office a few days later...something on the x ray has raised suspicion of possible mets. An area in my right upper lobe that was 7mm in February is now 18mm. We need to get a PET/CT.

A couple of days later I go for my test. I am nervous. Afraid. Alone in my whirlwind. I lay on the examination table. I re-live the past...tears flowing, fear, anxiety, dread...overwhelming. I try not to sob...I need to lay still...God help me. I can't go through this again. I want to live. I need to live.

The 4th of July weekend is approaching, my birthday on the 3rd. Another year to look forward to. This birthday I have not dreaded as those in the past couple years. the thought of getting "old". I am thankful to celebrate my 52nd birthday. Another year of life. I have been blessed.

My birthday was so special. My daughter Tiffany sent me a beautiful and thought filled "smile box" greeting. I wept when looking at the pictures and reading the thoughts of her heart. My daughter Lyndsay gave me a special card, bra's that fit and a pedicure coupon. The words she spoke in her writings in the card were forever ingrained in my soul. My husband with the presentation of his gifts to me at a few minutes into my birthday, 12:07 I believe. Weeping over the love in my life and how blessed I am to be embraced by my family. We cried and embraced...a moment forever within me. Birthday morning came, Rand told me to be ready at 10:30. My in-laws arrived and we traveled to downtown Knoxville. I tried to guess the destination...Calhouns on the river...how lovely...no, I was mistaken. A lunch cruise was awaiting me...my special day with love surrounding. Thank you! I received a card from my father with $5 as my grandmother used to send all of her grandchildren. I can't help but laugh and savor the love of my father and memories of my grandmother. A perfect birthday. I am alive, I am loved.

Come Monday, I continue to think about the chest x ray and the PET/CT. I called Dr. Martin, inquiring of the results. I was told that he would not give results over the phone and an appointment was made for Wednesday. That's tomorrow. I am feeling a sense of dread, sadness, despair. I try to dig deep and find hope. I take many a deep breath and feel the effects. Is that a tinge of pain I feel? Is it my imagination? I shared with my supervisor at work today. I had to shut the door to her office, she handed me a box of kleenex. She was so understanding, she told me to not jump to conclusions, to not worry about the management meeting in the morning that I would miss. To remain hopeful and that her heart and thoughts were with me. Thank you Ann.

So, here I am. In my bed, typing, anticipating. I hope that the next entry is good news. But, I told Rand, my children, my co-workers...it is what it is and I will deal with whatever the results are. I have to admit however that I will be angry, hurt and saddened if I am again faced with the Dragon. I have decided that if I am again faced with Cancer that I will fight to the end. I will NOT give up or surrender. I will live until the last breath that I am gifted to breathe.

2009-03-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

March 18th 2009...The day I have anticipated. Results day. I go to work as usual. Still with every thought consumed by the results of my PET/CT. It's been nearly a year since my last chemo treatment. I'm still feeling the effects of chemo and side effects of my medications. One medication in particular, Arimidex. This is a hormone blocker. Since my tumor was hormone receptive for progesterone and estrogen, I was prescribed this medication to help protect me from recurrance. I have a lot of faith in that tiny white pill....

Rand goes with me to my appointment. I go back first to get my exam and then Rand meets me for the "reading of the results". Nervous, anticipating, trembling, but also with a strange sense of confidence.

Dr. Martin comes in...he scans through the report...and then the words...No evidence of active disease. I remain NED!
Dr. Martin told Rand and I that the first 6 months after treatment is the most crucial. Usually recurrence occurs during that time. When you get to a year the chance of recurrence lessons and continues to lesson each year thereafter. Everything on the scan he said had either decreased or no change was noted, therefore has remained stable. I have some nodules in the lungs which the radiologist suggested following but no evidence of being hypermetabolic which would indicate cancer. Scar tissue in the right lower abdomen has decreased in size. I do have chronic L5 spondylolysis (forward subluxation of the lower lumbar vertebrae) with grade I anterolisthesis of the L5 and S1.
In anterolisthesis, the upper vertebral body is positioned abnormally compared to the vertebral body below it. More specifically, the upper vertebral body slips forward on the one below.

The amount of slippage is graded on a scale from 1 to 4. Grade 1 is mild (20% slippage), while grade 4 is severe (100% slippage).

This would explain the back pain I have been experiencing. Not major though. Hey, I can live with that!

We kept the baby's last Friday night. Skeeter Bob (AKA Landan) is a hold me baby. So sweet and such beautiful little fellow. Kylee is 100 miles an hour down a dead end road. I just want to squeeze her and then eat her. She's an independent little poop. Such a joy! Next time we're gonna have all the grandkids spend the night....am I crazy or what?

Rand will officially be laid off from his job at the end of the month. Don't know how things will work out but we're not worrying. Things always come together. We are still trying to sell our house. If we do, we are probably headed for the country. We want to try to find a little farm house with some land and live simply. Get back to the basics. Know what I mean? Through our experiences last year we learned so much. One major thing is that it doesn't matter what car you drive, or house you live in as long as you are surrounded by the people you love. Being together is what sustains us...not our stuff. Actually, we can't wait to slow down and live the simple life.

So, we are in celebration and able to take another deep breath, continue to live in love and thankfulness for our lives and our family and friends.

Scanxiety

2009-03-03T08:01:00.000-05:00

2/20/09 I have to say that today has been an emotional day. Mixed emotions, entering the world of the unknown. Questioning myself and the purpose of my existence. Moving through the PET scan, eyes close, tears wet upon my face, re-living the whole experience. Would I be feeling this if Cancer wasn't in the equation? Probably, knowing me. Rand and I had a talk tonight, about my insecurities, feeling that I don't match up so to speak. I'm not the person he fell in love with. Forever changed by my travels. Cancer changes you but it doesn't change the core. I see things differently but in the same respect, the same Cathie, insecure, bewildered, searching, needing to make a difference in this world in some small way still exists. Rand has a way of jumping in 100% when he feels passionate about something . He reaches out and grabs it. Me, I reach out, dream...but never take hold. What is it? Do any of you feel the same? I look at my aunt Becky, she is one who is much like Rand. She finds a purpose, takes hold and goes for it. Like volunteering for "look good feel good", making a difference to nurture the world in her unique way. I even thought about googling "what to do to make a difference in this world" or "how to leave your mark" Rand laughed. I want to be an motivational speaker....what would I say? I want to leave my handprint in this world. Know what I mean? A mother, a wife, daughter, niece, friend, cousin...although thankful and appreciative,feeling blessed at the opportunities, there has to be more....I'm rambling I know... please share your thoughts. I would love to know the heart of all of you.

Waiting for the results...painful, unknowing, anticipating a possible extension of life. Who knows?

Christmas Tears

2008-12-13T18:54:00.000-05:00

I went shopping today. Rand brought home a list of things wished for by a family in need. A co-worker who lost his job and has a large family. 5 children. All they asked for were clothes. I told Rand that I would like to throw in some "unexpected goodies" I walked through the store gathering their gifts, a doll, a sweater, some matchbox cars, a game... listening to christmas music, I cried and whispered thank-you for the opportunity to reach out to this family. Our daughter Lyndsay volunteered to help with the Angel Tree. She and some of her co-workers wrapped gifts that were donated for children in the community. She came home and said "Mom, it was so sad. There was one little boy who only got a match box car. Nothing else." I cried. I asked if there was any way to find out who he was so we could get him more. Unfortunatly, she said no. I can't get that little boy off of my mind. I look at all the gifts under our tree and am so thankful that we can give to the people we love. But, then my heart sinks as I think of all of those who have so little. I'm searching for little gestures of love to reach out this Christmas. A co-worker who had no money and who's car was on empty. A single mother making minimum wage. I emptied my purse out onto my desk and pursuaded her to take what I could give. I comforted and encouraged the sister of a dying client, ensuring her that all her sister needed from her now was simply her love. I reminded her how special their relationship had been, how even though she felt she could do nothing, embracing her sister in love would do everything her sister needed at this time. I'm so thankful to be alive, to experience the "heart" of giving this Christmas season. I'll continue to find little opportunities as I remain in thankfulness for the precious gift I have recieved...to be alive! Blessings to all~

Giving Thanks~

2008-11-28T19:20:00.000-05:00

I am thankful this holiday season. I am thankful that I was able to cook for my family and all were together for Thanksgiving. Brighter this year than last. I had just been diagnosed and in the beginning stages of chemo last year at this time.
My neighbors came by to tell us how thankful they are that we have become friends. My husband embraced me and told me how thankful he is to have me in his life. My daughter kissed me and told me how much she appreciated the meal and get together we had. I fed my baby granddaughter mashed potato's and watched her crawl and play, I kissed and rubbed the belly of my daughter and whispered to our new grandson that will be gracing our world in Feb. I hugged and interacted with my grandchildren and in-laws, I kissed my son and enjoyed casual conversation. I put out Christmas lights and built a crackling fire. I sent out invitations to our annual Christmas party. I curled on the couch under my blanket of love and snuggled with the dogs. I put clean sheets on the bed.I fed the dogs left over turkey and ham. I embraced the thoughts of my family who live away. I said a little prayer for my stepson who is in Marine basic training. So many things to be thankful for this special day. And re-inforcing that it is the little things in life that hold the most meaning. Life is good. Happy Thanksgiving~

Blanket of love

2008-11-17T19:44:00.000-05:00

We just spent a wonderful weekend at our family reunion at Barkley Lake at Land Between the Lakes in Western Kentucky. What a wonderful renewal of spirit. Family, a strong and comforting word in every sense. To embrace, pray, cry, sing, laugh, share. To watch our children and grandchildren interact and make memories. To embrace and spend time with my loving Father and Mother, to have the opportunity to tell my uncle Jim and aunt Becky how much I appreciated the memories they created for us as children. To embrace my sisters and tell them how much I love them. To spend time with my grandchildren and daughters and son in law. Cousins, nieces, nephews and friends. Irreplaceable moments in our lives. I was gratefully presented with a blanket that my mother and sisters crochet'd for me. The color of my birthstone, Ruby. I was placed in a chair in the middle of the room and presented with my beautiful blanket of love. The blanket was then passed to each person in the room with words from the heart expressed at each passing. A moment I will never forget and a blanket I will cherish forever. I hold it in my lap at this moment. I am immersed in the love that embraces me through this gesture of love. My youngest sister also presented all of the women in the family with a hand made charm with my name engraved in it representing uterine cancer. I know without a doubt that the love of my husband and family carried me through the darkness of my struggle with cancer and gently set me down on the horizon of my new life. In unending love and appreciation, I thank you!

Another Day Granted

2008-11-17T19:07:00.000-05:00

I had another CT scan in mid October. NED (No evidence of disease) again! It actually showed improvement in my lungs. I had area's that were thought to be histoplasmosis as the biopsy done last September didn't indicate cancer. There was also an area in my right lower abdomen which was thought to be scar tissue from my surgery that also showed improvement. My feelings after a good CT result is relief and gratitude. A little more time has been bought. I don't ever feel celebration. I wish I could feel that elation. Maybe after 5 years of NED I'll feel like I have slain the dragon. Right now its a day by day survival. I'm still afraid, I still think about cancer every minute of every day. I still live with the fear of recurrence. I still feel the effects of my chemo. I still look at myself in the mirror and the old me is nowhere to be found. It's a daily struggle to stay positive. To remind myself that for everything lost, I have gained. But, in my own private moments, when it's me and my thoughts, I still cry, I still wonder where I will be next year at this time, I still hope for a long life...It's been a year and 2months since my diagnosis. I was told on September 8, 2007 that I had a 30 percent chance of living a year. And now, a year later I remain NED! I should be celebrating...instead I sit here in silent gratitude for another day granted.

Canning the wig

2008-11-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Maybe a little lazy and also pre-occupied with my new job as Director of Nursing at a local agency. I'm so thankful to be back in the work force as it gives a sense of belonging to the world again. The focus now being on others and less about me. That feels good. I canned the wig. Now, going out in public with my "real" hair, all short, thick, curly and grey. Quite a change from long(er), dark, thin and straight. (Before the curling iron)I've accepted the fact that I no longer look like "me". This is the new me. And not only externally but internally as well. A new confidence. Getting rid of the wig was as liberating as the day I shaved my head. It's like allowing yourself to move forward into the next phase of ones life. Scary but a necessary step in acceptance. I'm learning that beauty is not the outer appearance but the manner that one relates to the world, embracing the people around us, expressing our passions, the way we present ourselves, listening, interacting, moving in a positive way with confidence and yet with a gentle spirit. To be a teacher by example. To not be afraid to bare all if it means helping someone else on their own difficult path. Those are attributes of true beauty.

Who Cares?

2008-09-11T10:00:00.000-04:00

I am a member of the LMS forum and read a heartfelt entry from a lady entitled "Who Cares?" It touched me in such a way that I felt compelled to respond. I also wanted to share these thoughts with my bloggers so, with that said...I share.

I am a LMS survivor. My last chemo was in April of 08 and so far am NED. However, once diagnosed, you never feel clean. At least I don't at this point. There is always that fear. As far as your question concerning "who cares" you're right, it's mostly us and our family and friends. But, lets look beyond that for a moment. Yes, we deal with the why me, anger, despair etc. that is part of this whole crappy disease. When I was diagnosed and got through my post op recovery and initial shock of my diagnosis, I decided that I wanted to reach out in some way to help others with cancer deal with what I was going through myself. I didn't have a network and felt isolated. Sure, you have the American Cancer Society but finding someone with the same diagnosis is difficult and sometimes impossible in your own community. So, with the help of my husband, I created a website so I could share my experience and hopefully help someone along the way. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...as difficult as it is sometimes, look beyond yourself and instead of asking who cares, ask how can I show that I care. I care that this is happening to me, I care that this affects my family and places hardship on the ones I care about, I care that my hair is falling out and I look like a mangy dog, I care that my beauty and vigor is being stolen from me, I care that there are others in this world who are feeling exactly what I am feeling, I care that people have lost their battle with this dragon, I care that the sun rises every morning to greet me,I care that my dogs follow where-ever I go and lay at my feet, I care that my children have to suffer heartache and set backs, I care that they then find a way to transcend, I care that my daughter calls me everyday just to say hello and I email or call my other children regularly, I care that my stepson is entering the marines in defense of our country, I care that my husband still calls me his cute little wife and loves me without waiver, I care that I feel the love of my family deeply and daily, I care. And, does it change anything? Not as far as our diagnosis but, it does change our heart and that's what matters.

Please visit my website with my hope that it may help you in some way. enlightened-by-cancer.net

Blessings~ wishing for you my LMS friends,
cure, health, hope and happiness but most of all...to be enlightened~

Cathie

DX: ULMS 9/7/07, TAHBSO
9x8x7.5 cm, ill defined, had burst through uterus and partially resting at left
ovary
vascular/lymph invasion detected
Positive estrogen/progesterone receptor reaction
Begin Gem/Tax 10/07 (6 cycles) (Rough 7 months, profound weakness among many
other side effects)
Last dose 4/3/08
PET/CT (4/9/08 and 7/08) both negative for cancer!
Started on Arimidex 4/11/08
Plan next CT in October '08

These were the entries to the LMS forum. I have removed their names for privacy.

Apathy is a bigger cancer than all cancers rolled together; even here, on this board.
I still don't know much about the disease i have, so i can't roll statistics out like i've been at
this for years. Some haven't been at it for years but roll stats out anyway. I start chemo next
week and i'm scared, but all in all, i'll give a listen to anybody.
I hate this disease.

hi ...........no one likes where we r at or how we got we got here, bottom line is .....who cares (besides us and family/friends, etc.) and does it really change things ............ lets talk........ ...... and how do we deal w/this

Toes in the sand

2008-07-26T10:34:00.000-04:00

I was thinking that after my last chemo, 3 months ago, that I was on my road to recovery, all down hill from that point. WRONG! What I have found out is that I'm still in the repair mode. The chemical cocktail that was slowly infused weekly, continues to reek havoc on my body. If you are going through chemo and expect to "bounce back" once the chemo is discontinued. Don't!

The 14th of July - Another cancer milestone, my three month post-chemo CT scan. Again, those same negative thoughts worm around in my brain. Will it still be NED (no evidence of disease) or will there be cancer hot spots? It really sucks getting the scan and then having to wait. Waiting sucks. The doubt sucks. The whole thing sucks. Ok Cathie, stay focused on the moment. Don't let you mind and doubts control your thoughts. Stay in the moment. Ok. Ok. Ok.

The week prior to the scan I was not feeling myself. I kinda felt like I had a small case of the flu or something. Just a general "I don't feel right" kinda feeling. What does it mean? Has the cancer spread? The negative thoughts again. When will this end? Stay focused on the moment. That night, I awoke to intense pain in my chest, neck, upper back and left arm. So bad that I cry. No, sob is a better description. It hurts and hurts bad. The next morning, Rand makes me an appointment with our family doctor. He starts thinking that there is some kind of problem with my port. I hope with all my being that is correct, but...... what if?

While at the appointment, we find out that he (Doctor Reese) can access the results of the CT scan. The report states that there are two blockages in my clavicular vein. Well, that explains the pain and relieves my mind. The other big news, which arrived a whole week earlier than expected was that I was still NED. I feel elated, though the port problem still ached. Dr. Reese makes an appointment for me with Dr. Martin's office the next morning. Dr. Martin performed the port placement and Dr. Reese felt it was best for him to make any determinations on treatment and possible removal. He gives me some pain meds and we go home.

The next morning we go to Dr. Martin's office. He reads over the CT scan. He echos the findings that we learned the day before. He develops a plan of action on correcting the blockage. He's not ready to remove it at this point and feels that we can dissolve the clots. "Will they break lose and kill me?", I ask. Not very likely. I'm still nervous about the clots. I'm happy about the scan results. It is that negative/positive, yin/yang of this whole cancer experience. Later, Rand consoles me. He states that if Dr. Martin felt there was a chance that this issue was life-threatening that he would plopped my butt in the hospital. He is right, I know, but the clots still consume my thoughts. Even when I will them not too.

I am now recovering from 2 clavicular vein blood clots, still having some swelling and puffiness from the steroids, having days of feeling sickie, peripheral neuropathy (chemo induced) still an issue and now on medication (Neurontin) which is helping. I'm still depressed at times, still have episodes of fear and tears. I was talking to Rand last night and told him that if I was stranded in the middle of the ocean on a boat and finally found my way to land, I would feel elated when my toes touched the sand. I wish I felt that kind of elation when I was told my CT scan came back NED but, I didn't. I was happy and afraid, hopeful and also felt a sense of doom all at the same time. I know that if I had been told there were "hot spots" on the scan, I would have been devastated, why could I not feel the same enormity of emotion in elation? Somewhat sad I think. I compare myself to an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once cancer, always cancer. I suspect that survivors of ten years still feel what I feel today. Hopefully, in ten years I'll be able to tell you.

The photo that I included in this post is one of my favorites. It's Rand and I on the beach at Isle of Palms, SC a few weeks ago. We took this vacation after a long year of hardship. It was our celebration vacation for "making it". We walked on the beach in the evenings, we chased the waves, dug our toes in the sand, examined the night sky, talked to strangers (or are they?) held hands, talked, laughed, drank margarita's and listened to musicians with their tip jars at their feet as they played JT and Cat Stevens. What a special time.

This photo says many things to us. After a really tough year, we're still standing. That I'm much more tanned than my husband. That we are still connected. That my foot rests upon his, as I've leaned upon him through these last trying months. That we've finally found land on which we can stand. Though, it is sandy land and the waves of life hint to possibly eroding it. Much like our life now in this post-chemo world.