Tolkien Quote...food for thought

"“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.” Tolkien...

Life

is about
deciding

how you're

going to
handle

plan

B...

Shampoo day



Honey, I'm gonna go shampoo my hair now...



New Plan

Ok lets see where to start...I had my follow up PET scan done a couple of weeks ago. The results confirmed what the CT had already revealed. Yes, it's cancer. Not surprised, not upset. It is what it is...

Dr. Kilgore told me that they would discuss it at tumor board on Jan 25th, which they did. The board feels that I have 3 possible options. (Options is becoming one of my favorite words)

1. Radiation (Less invasive but has its good and bad aspects)
2. Surgery (Risky because the lesion is right at the Vena Cava and Aorta)
3. Chemo (Gemzar and Taxotere which is the chemo I had in 2007. Let's just say, IT SUCKED!)

Dr. Kilgore consulted Radiation Oncology and I met with Dr. Green at UT today. Dr. Green was super nice, attentive, informative and personable.

Dr. Green told me that they could probably radiate but there would be more logistics that would need to be worked out to be sure that the area had not been radiated before. They're still not 100% sure and need to get more details from the radiologist that treated me before. However, he told me that if it were him, he would have the surgery first and then if I needed radiation after that than do it. If we radiate before surgery and don't get good results, then the surgery will be more difficult to do. Makes sense. So, I'm leaning toward surgery. I don't think that Dr. Kilgore would take un-necessary risks and if he started surgery and saw that it was too risky, he would stop. He told me that he would have 2 other surgeons with him. I'm sure a vascular surgeon would be one of them. The neat thing is that Dr. Green (Rad/Onc) is also on the tumor board so he was there for the discussion on Wednesday. Anyway, I would much rather be facing surgery than facing Chemo again. So, I'm ok with it all.

Dr. Green did say that he didn't understand why my tumor hadn't grown as fast or spread like they usually do with my type of cancer. I told him that I hoped and prayed that it was attributed to the other modalities I'm doing (laser, magnetics, acupuncture, boosting my immunity) And my prayer warriors. I told him that when I'm not in pain, or looking at my bald head in the mirror or feeling the effects of chemo, I don't feel like I have cancer. There are days that I ask myself if this is just a dream or do I really have cancer?


So, the plan now is to meet with Dr. Kilgore and discuss surgery. I suspect it will occur in the spring because I need to strategically plan it so I can use my short term or long term disability if needed. As of April 5th I will have been with my company for a year. (I think I did the math right, can't believe its already been that long!)

So, there ya go...that's it for now. Staying positive and enjoying life and it's daily blessings~

The Cleansing

I slowly undress, as I take each article of clothing off, a bit is revealed of my changed self. I glance in the mirror but don't linger. I try not to look at the change that has occurred. My bald head, my chemo port, the surgical scar left behind by my hysterectomy, the eyebrows and eye lashes missing, the dry skin that falls like snow with each article removed, the sadness in the reflection looking back at me.

I carefully step over the threshold of the tub and slowly tilt into the steamy and comforting water. I feel the water slide over my baldness as tears mix with the soothing wash. My shower time is my time to cleanse my soul as well as my body. As I cry, I fill my cloth with the sweet smell of my specially chosen body wash that my daughter Lyndsay helped choose for me. Vanilla Verbena, Aromatherapy Stress Relief. I pay close attention to the sweet aroma, to the lather as it covers me. I scrub hard, trying to remove the dead skin left behind by chemo and the winter dryness. I wash every inch, every crook and cranny of my body. I appreciate this moment. My complete cleansing, the opportunity to embrace myself in this simple act of bathing. I feel the curves of my body, I embrace the freckles on my legs which are the result of youth spent days in the sun, the shape of my feet, the contour of my shoulders. I cry and think about my body as it will disintegrate to nothing after my last breath is taken. I pay close attention as my hands glide over every touchable part. I learn to love myself again. I yearn for many more moments of such simplicity. And,  I cry as my tears mix with the running cleansing stream and circle down the drain along with my heart, my hope, my memories, my despair.

This act of cleansing. Much like a ritual. Much like a prayer. Much like a song or poetry, a buried treasure revealed haphazardly, a quiet morning walk on the beach in the rain. I am once again renewed.

The call

The phone rings and I rush to see if I recognize the number. It's a very familiar number that I see...Dr. Kilgore's office. I take a deep breath and in an up beat voice say "hello." Sweet Amanda, Dr. Kilgore's Nurse Practioner is on the other end. We share pleasantries, chat about our holiday and how we're ready to welcome spring now that the holiday's are behind us. Both of us agree that cold weather is not our favorite and how we're ready for the sun, green, the color palate of Gods new life of Spring and being outside. I want this conversation to last but am anxious to hear what she has to say about the results of my scan. Her voice drops slightly. I know what that means. "Well Cathie, we recieved the results of your scan. It shows an increase in size of the lesion at your Aortic Biforcation. On the last scan it measured 5 point (something) and now is measuring 7 point (something)." To be honest, I didn't pay attention to the numbers after the points. The 5 to 7 was all I heard. My heart sank and in her comforting way, she continued..."Dr. Kilgore wants to get a PET scan done so we can look at it closer and determine if it's the cancer or something else such as scar tissue." Then we'll know how to proceed. We both expressed that we were surprised at the results. I told her that I was anticipating that it was still there because of my pain but didn't anticipate that it had grown. We discussed how that if it's the cancer, Chemo may not be an option. Radiation wouldn't either as Dr. Kilgore discussed with me several months ago. This is because I had already recieved radiation to the area. I heard the dissapointment in Amanda's voice. I was thankful for such a tender heart on the other end of the line. I thanked her for her call and told her that no matter what, I refused to give up. I would continue to fight. We said goodbye and I cried in remorse, in anger, in hopelessness.

Fighting the tears, I sent a text to Rand who was at work, my children, sisters and dear friend Robin. Informing them of the news was difficult. I ended my text with "Do you think I'll make it to my 5 year anniversary?" (This will be in September.)  But, with a second consideration, I erased it. I need to stay positive for my family. If I fall apart, they will too. I need to be their strength.

I recieve responses from several of my family with encouraging words of love. I also get a call from my mother in law who tells me that Rand had called her. She said she would have called sooner but she couldn't stop crying. I repeat what Amanda told me. I told her I wasn't giving up. We both express our discust with the news. As I stand in the bathroom crying...Rand walks through the door and I melt in his embrace.

 

Come Spring, with your green, and purple and warmth. Come Spring, with your promise for a new tomorrow and put to rest this cold and dreary heart. Come Spring, and let me point my face to your sun. With my eyes closed, I can see the light filter, I see the beauty of the water as it ripples towards me and in its reflection, the delicate portrait of life anew.

Sister visit

Looking back on the many blessings of the past few months I remember with love and appreciation, the visit from my sisters Janis and Beverly and neice Rachel who arrived at my doorstep the day after Thanksgiving. I was just a few days out of my second treatment and not feeling the greatest so our time together mostly consisted of eating, and napping. Daughter Lyndsay was here too which was nice. It still felt good to share the "air-space" with my sisters, neice and daughter. The last day of their visit we picked up the pace and played with my wigs. We all mentioned that it was a shame that we started our silly sister stuff the day of their departure but never-the-less, we all agreed that it was better late than never.

Jan in her fro, me, Rachel and Beverly. What fun we had and laughed till we pee'd.

Follow up scan today

Today I go for my follow up CT scan which has been planned for after Round 3. I'm not nervous or apprehensive. I think I already know the outcome. I anticipate that there will be some decrease in size but will need to continue Chemo for the total 6 rounds. My hope at that time is that the next scan will show eradication of the lesion and I will be cancer free. I will then live well into my 90's (or longer) and leave this earth when I get darn good and ready. So there you go you nasty dragon!

Round 3 complete and Christmas Joys

Round 3 was completed just in time for Christmas. Our daughter Lyndsay came to town a few days after I got home to help prepare for Christmas. Thank goodness for that! We spent everyday shopping and getting the house ready. Thank you Lyndsay for your help! I couldn't have done it without you!

Round 3 went with no problems. I had the usual weakness and nausea but nothing out of the ordinary. Dr. Kilgore surprised me with a song he played on his guitar The Bleak Mid Winter. Beautiful! Not only is Dr. Kilgore a talented physician but he is also a talented musician. Thank you Dr. Kilgore for making my Christmas special by sharing of yourself. Now how many Doctors do that for their patients?

Christmas was special as ever. Our Tennessee and North Carolina families all in attendence except for our son-in-law Michael who is on deployment in Afghanistan. We missed you and love you Michael! We shared laughter, good food and fellowship. Another Christmas to be thankful for. Christmas #4 since my diagnosis. YIPEE! I'm entering my 5th year of survival. That's a milestone!

It took 5 tries to get this photo. Rand kept goosing Dylan and Jason kept making goofy faces. I finally just said "forget it!" What a bunch of cuckoos!

Jason and Tiffany showed up dressed in their tacky Christmas sweaters and glasses. Kylee said "we look nasty mommie" Gee whiz....there's no hope!

 Thank you Lord for the love and laughter of family!

Thanksgiving 2011

Thanksgiving was a good day. I became dehydrated and had to go to Dr. Kilgore's office for some IV fluids the day before which made me feel better. Everyone pitched in to prepare the food and it felt strange and nice to be shuffled back to my recliner by my daughters, husband and mother in law when I made my presence in the kitchen. It was a lovely day surrounded by family and laughter.