Thank you Cancer

The chair is not empty, it holds the heart and desires, pain and fear, joy and love of all who have rested. It's weathered wood, once a tree, it's legs in the sand of an ocean alive and vibrant with its ebb and flow. May our souls never feel empty but be ever knowing that life is beautiful and good, and full of hope even when we can't see it.

Thank you Cancer

I know you're not expecting this, 

a thank you from me to you. 

But Cancer you're quite deserving 

of this poem of gratitude. 

For you have taught me many things, 

I otherwise had missed. 

Like watching for the moon to rise 

through the rainy mist

I never would have seen each day 

quite like I do right now

or say thank you quite as often 

Or I love you as clear and loud

I never would have not have cared

If my floors were polished bright

Or worried quite so worriedly

if my clothes would fit just right

I never would have known the feeling

of a true and simple life, 

like taking time to sit in silence

or listen with no sight

just close my eyes and breathe in deep

embrace the moment given

and reach out into pureness 

to those I love in Heaven

I never would have let things go

that used to tear my down

Or find the silver lining 

amidst my tearful frown

You see you've 

changed me for the better

Though you've ravaged 

and frightened me

But through the anguish 

you brought on 

you made

 this change in me.

Cathie Cardwell 

9 May 2013

Morning in May

This beautiful flower was given to me by my daughter Lyndsay for Mothers Day 2010. It reminds me of my 3 children, Corey, Tiffany and Lyndsay.  Each perfectly made yet each unique one unto itself.  Each striving for it's own identity, reaching in different directions to find its light,  yet sharing common ground of emerging from one stem, one set of roots, one pot of soil.  How glorious the magic of life and all things intertwined to reveal such beauty and simplicity.

Morning in May
 

Thankful for this day,
flowers in sweet array,
nestled safe within my heart
A blessing for this day
The sweetness of simplicity
The sharing of one's heart
Like blooms amidst the garden wall
My soul can not depart
For I must stay, this fragrance sweet
and gaze upon God's hand
And feel the grass beneath my feet
to ease my trembling and,
if breath in me I shall express
my heart of gratitude
for simple things like petals pink
and those as sweet as you~

Cathie Schoo Cardwell 

May 9, 2013

Live in the moment

Why is living in the moment such an impossible task?

Seems simple doesn't it?

It takes a conscious effort. 

Or is that my problem?

Can one erase the content of the mind?

Can one forget about yesterday and not yearn for tomorrow?

Ahhh, the way of the Buddha!

So simple yet so complex!

Is falling asleep during meditation acceptable?

What about crying, laughing, singing?

Daily life in this realm of gravity and messy hair in the morning,

Not so magical or transcending.

Just me in my daily struggle to live in the moment.

Ok, lets start over...

The list

Last night I lay in bed, slumber would not come

I cried and bit my nails as I watched the moon slowly rise over the trees

So full of confusion, questions and despair

my daily seeking for answers to my existence and there after

I tick down the page of my imaginary list

So much to do before I take my journey

If only I could feel good, long enough to accomplish such tasks

but my list just gets longer and longer, I'm out of control

Things I want to give my children and grandchildren

Little tokens of me and those who went before me, little tokens of them as well

I want them to remember, I need for them to want those things

Though small and insignificant as they may be 

My nurses cap and pin, my grandmothers costume jewlery

My book of song and poetry that was written when my children were small.

A box full of trinkets, my guitar, my collection of cobalt blue, my favorite books, 

My old cassette tapes I recorded in my young and innocent days, photographs and stories

My daddy's clerical shirt and step collar that was just presented to me last week

So I continue to stare at the moon, through my tears of despair and sadness

continuing  my list which gets longer and longer, while time gets shorter and shorter,

I'm out of control...

A tribute to Daddy

A poem for my Daddy

Daddy and his daughters at his 80th Birthday party

Daddy always loved the water. Fishing, boating or just absorbing the beauty and serenity.

Celebrating 50 years of ministry.

Angel in the clouds taken outside of Atlanta

  

Reverend Ronald Earl Schoo

                                                                

Heartache and Reality

Two days after my surgery, Rand sat at my side, took my hand and said "I don't know an easy way to tell you this Cathie, but your Daddy passed" I wept until I couldn't breathe. How could this have happened? I saw a picture of him taken just a few days ago of him sitting up in his hospital bed eating breakfast and smiling for Christ's sake! He had a heart attack and was admitted to the hospital in Paducah Ky., in the wee hours of Saturday morning. He was released on the 19th into the care of  Hospice and died 8 hours later surrounded by 3 of my sisters and his wife Debbie.

Daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a couple of years ago and he was getting increasingly worse mentally. He fought and won his diagnosis of Prostate Cancer several years prior and as far as I knew was doing ok physically.

A week and half after my surgery, my daughters Tiffany and Lyndsay took me to Paducah for my Daddy's funeral. It was an emotional trip and full of regret and guilt for not being more available to him as he declined. Debbie took such good care of him and loved him through it all. My Paducah sisters Cyndi and Lisa assisted in his care and my sisters from Indiana made trips down to help every chance they had. Thank God for our large family. Unfortunately, even with large families, the majority of the "care burden" falls on a chosen few. Thank you my dear and precious sisters for being there for Daddy on my behalf, for loving him and always showing strength and devotion throughout his journey. Thank you Debbie for loving Daddy like you did (and still do), for being a partner, friend, nurse, caregiver, and wife. For making his life one of happiness and fulfillment.

When accepting my Daddy's death, I was smacked in the face with my own mortality. So many questions re-surfaced, so much fear, so much sadness...

Daddy and Debbie

No seperation between emotional and physical self

Hard to believe it's been two months since I posted already. Life has been a whirlwind...

About a month ago I went to Dr. Kilgore for a check up and had a pelvic exam. Since my diagnosis, pelvic exams have always been uncomfortable for me. Dr. Kilgore is able to palpate the necrotic lesion in my right lower abdomen which is uncomfortable and a bit painful. However, when the exam is complete I'm fine and go about my merry way. The last exam was different. Yes, it was a bit painful as usual but the uncomfortable feeling didn't go away and it continued to get worse until it morphed into actual pain that I needed to medicate for.  I ended up in ER and a scan revealed another abdominal lesion. Surgery was scheduled for April 16 (My sister Janis' Birthday, Happy Birthday Jannie!)

I survived surgery for the removal of a mass in my right abdomen. The lesions in my lungs are being somewhat more problematic now. I'm maintaining about a 90 to 93 oxygen saturation on room air. I get short of breath with exertion and tire easily. Dr. Kilgore said that removing the tumor was like trying to pick up jello, so I'm sure there was spillage and recurrence is inevitable. I'm in recovery mode now, going along as expected I guess. Still fighting my physical and emotional instability...

I'm trying not to let my despair rob my happiness and living in the moment. I have to admit however, it's a struggle. For me, there is no separation between my physical and emotional self. When I feel good, I forget about Cancer for a moment. I'm energetic, happy, able to see beyond my current situation. But when I feel physically bad, I'm sad, depressed and feeling like there's no tomorrow...

  Breathe in...hold your breath...Breathe out

 

 

Scan done on February 13, 2013...Dr. Kilgore called me on the 16th with my results. Everything is stable with no evidence of new disease EXCEPT for (again) continued growth in my right upper lobe. Now its at about 10 cm. Well doesn't that just suck! But then I look for the good...no metastatic disease anywhere else, abdomen stable, no pain (just discomfort that feels like I have those dang stents back in. Urinary urgency, pressure in the pelvic floor. Ibuprofen takes care of it though) I'm back at work and over all am feeling good.

So doc says he's going to consult with Dr. Lewis who is the surgical oncologist that assisted Dr. Kilgore with my surgery in May. He's also going to present me again to the tumor board. Dr. Kilgore will be attending a conference in LA the second week in March too which he wants to go to before he makes any concrete treatment decisions. He's thinking about Taxetere (IV Chemo) and Avastin (Oral Biological Agent that blocks blood vessel formation)

I bought a juicer and have been juicing for about 2 weeks now. Still taking supplements that include Royal Jelly and Bee Pollen, Vit C, Shaitaki, Maitaki, Reishi mushrooms, Noni juice, Turmeric, Vit B complex, GABA and Ginseng. I'm hoping that between the juicing and supplements I can keep my cells happy. And then of course I'm still doing the laser a few times per week.

I keep telling myself that everything I'm doing is helping...I hope it is anyway. It's hard to tell but I don't want to do my own blind study to find out...if you know what I mean.

I got to meet another ULMS warrior when I went for my scan. Meet Susan Melton...such a sweet and gentle soul. It's always so nice to connect with others who are walking the same path.

Birthday, Holiday's and Homecoming

Again, I can't believe so much time has passed since I last posted. Let's see now...November I finished my Chemo and was scanned again. Results showed everything stable except for growth in both my right and left  upper lobes by about a cm. Dr. Kilgore said we would get through the holidays and re-scan after the first of the year.

Lyndsay and I in our cowboy hats that Buddy Pal got for us.

 
We'd been living on "The Knob" in our camper. Off grid since March 2012. What little electricity we had was created with solar panels and a generator. We made it through the 100 degree weather, catching rain water or hauling it from the spring or service station by the jug full, bathing in a baby swimming pool heated by the sun, tending the gardens and chickens, doing laundry at the laundry mat, and all the while recovering from my surgery which was at the end of May. I have to be honest and say that living off grid was fun at first but soon became more difficult than I cared to experience. Maybe if I was still in my 20's. So, with winter upon us, we decided to try to find an "on grid" rental for a while. I found the perfect location the day after we decided to make the move. It's a little mini farm in a adjoining county with a cabin and a YURT for Michael and Lyndsay to live in. It's so nice to have electricity and endless running water. We were able to bring our horses, goat and chickens too.

Michael and Tanner both made it home safe from deployment and are now officially civilians!

Thanksgiving was lovely with the gathering of family and friends. Our daughter Lyndsay and son on law Michael didn't make it up from North Carolina but would be moving back home since leaving the Marines. Tiffany and Jason brought Jason's mom Lynette and her boyfriend Johnny. It was great having them and we all had alot of fun. Corey, Deanna and Dylan came and Tanner, Catie and little Emerson didn't make it until late but that's alright, at least they made it. They had alot of family to visit that day.

Michael and Lyndsay moved back at the end of November. Then came Christmas...and New Year's...Typical family gatherings and fun. I was worried about the holidays prior to our move because they've always been hosted by Rand and I. I didn't know what we were going to do if we were still on the Knob because there was no way to accommodate our quests. So everything worked out beautifully.

I felt great over the holiday's. No pain and high energy.  Life is Good!

My precious Mother celebrated her 80th Birthday in October. I regret that because of Chemo,  I wasn't able to make it to Kentucky to join the celebration.  Pictured here is Mom and her sister Becky.  I love you both so much! Happy Birthday Mommie!

Scan results in...

I had my scan on September 13th as scheduled. Scans are pretty much routine at this stage in the game. I still have a little of the internal jumpy bumps though. I know it's the anticipation of the results. I still go through the same spiritual, introspective, tears, hyper-verbals and anticipation during the process of the scan...sometimes I'm so predictable!

So, the results....well they came back "stable" no change in the lungs or abdomen. I take that as good news.

Dr. Kilgore said that we may need to prolong the duration of my treatments because I've had to delay some of my treatments and my dosages have had to be adjusted down as a result of my blood work. Carboplatin messes with your platelets and chemo in general messes with your Hemoglobin, Hematacrit and Neutrophils. I've had a few hospitalization for blood and platelet infusions. Again, pretty routine stuff at this point.

Over all I'm doing pretty darn good this chemo round. I think that part of it is finding your "new norm" and adjusting to it.

 I begin treatment 1 of my 6th cycle this Thursday. I'll complete my 6th cycle on November 14th and then get re-scanned...the journey continues...

A journey of a thousand miles starts beneath ones feet